For those of you who know me well, you know I’m a pretty conventional kind of a feller. I wear a suit to church on Sundays, I shower every day, and I never drive slow in the fast lane. I even use all the correct grammar and punctuation when I text, for crying-gosh-sakes-out-loud. Bottom line: I’m as socially and hygienically as moderate as it gets.
So obviously, I have no business purchasing, much less wearing this very special concoction:
Yes, AXE Dark Temptation.
I know, I know. Who do I think I am? I should have just kept my nose clean and stayed to my side of the aisle. Right Guard, Old Spice…maybe even Mitchum if I were feeling adventurous. But AXE? What am I, auditioning for an MTV reality series? Old Dudes Not Acting Their Age! Or America’s Next Top Delusional Father of Six. I don’t own any gold chains and I’m not personal friends with any club owners. What am I doing?
And not just AXE, but DARK TEMPTATION!
But hear me out. See, I figure that if there is a body part in need of some serious help in being considered tempting…ladies and gentleman, I give you…the armpit.
So now, when I get all dolled up for a night out with Katie, I gots everything a-workin’ for me. Oh, yeaaaaahhhhh. Salt n’ pepper hair? Check. Pants? Check. T-shirt? Check. (What? Were we going some place nice?) Pocket change? Check. 2005 Toyota Camry? Check. And now…tempting armpits? Double check. Sorry ladies…I’m spoken for.
To be completely candid, though, I should admit that “tempting armpits” was not the biggest selling point for me. No. It was the tagline “As irresistible as chocolate.” Strangely, it comforted me to know that in some post-apocalyptic setting, if all the world was falling apart and food everywhere was predominantly contaminated and looting was commonplace and we were on the verge of extinction…I could eat my deodorant. And it would be delicious. (Or, you know, if it were Sugar-Free January at the Craig house, it would be equally as important to me to have on hand.)
Anyway, I’ve been wearing/eating it for about a month now. And … nothing. I’d like to start a class action suit against AXE for false advertising, because I am neither more tempting than I was before, nor is my deodorant as satisfying as real, legitimate chocolate. But the good news is I think Katie and I might be candidates for the new reality show now in pre-production: People Who Believe Everything They Read, and the Women Who Love Them.