Over the weekend I received the most spectacular email. It was a fascinating read, and gave me great pause as I reflected on its intriguing exterior and deeper assertion. I was initially unprepared for such a complex, philosophical investigation and soul searching inquiries as these; yet as I read this long list of personal questions, each one probing further into my unpremeditated thoughts, I couldn’t help but to respond with instinctive honesty and audacious truth.
And here are my responses:
1. First Name: What do you want it to be? (OK, it’s Ken)
2. Were you named after anyone? My pops.
3. Do you wish on stars? Well, if by “star” you mean celebrity, then yes I have. I once wished Jennifer Lopez would stop making movies.
4. When did you last cry? At the end of Indiana Jones 4. So disappointed, I wept.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Meh. Not really.
6. What is your favorite lunchmeat? Pizza.
7. What is your birth date? March 17.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Well, I do own Neil Diamond’s “The Jazz Singer.” But I will go on record that I am in fact NOT embarrassed about it. I am slightly embarrassed about my TV Theme Songs CD. That is, until the Golden Girls theme song comes on, because really, if you did in fact throw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me. (And the card attached would say “Thank you for being a friend.”)
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yeah, I think I would. But mostly so that I could hang around Katie.
10. Are you a daredevil? Oh, heavens yes. This one time I ate ice cream AFTER 10 p.m.! Oh, that went right to the thighs. I just threw caution to the wind on that one. But I’m crazy like that.
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? No, my friend. Your secret is still safe with me. (Wink, wink.)
12. Do looks matter? Well, mine do.
13. How do you release anger? I make out my “People to Whack” list and hand it over to my mob friends.
14. Where is your second home? The car.
15. Do you trust others easily? Why? What are you getting at? What is this for? Who else knows about this?
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Star Wars figures.
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Yes.
18. Do you have a journal? I do, but I never use it, as I can’t read or write. I don’t even know how I’m completing this survey.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I use sarcasm exclusively.
20. What are your nicknames? Craigles, Kenfusion, Keneroni, KC, Kenji, Kentacular. (Most of these I just made up. But I didn’t want to look un-cool by not having nicknames.)
21. Would you bungee jump? When I was younger, I did bungee jump. I also skydived, parasailed, and occasionally would break dance. Because before you have children, you are immortal and pretty sure nothing bad will ever happen to you. I have since learned NOT to publicly break dance. (Or do any of those other things.)
22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Shoes?
23. Do you think that you are strong? Odor-wise…or…what?
24. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Just put it in front of me.
25. Shoe Size? 10.5 in Men’s (Or 23 in Boy’s)
26. Red or pink? Red or pink what?
27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Hmmm, let’s see. Uhm…gee, I dunno. Well, there’s my…no, that’s not it. Oh, I know – nah, that’s not a good one. Well, there’s always…nope. Hmm. Oh, now I remember – my indecisiveness.
28. Who do you miss most? Sunday afternoon naps.
29. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Black shoes, no pants (Scottish kilt.)
30. What are you listening to right now? My tummy. It’s saying “more ice cream.”
31. Last thing you ate? Well, I’m trying to eat healthier. So I had a bowl of steamed vegetables. With ice cream.
32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? An oak. Oh, wait, that’s if I were a tree.
33. What is the weather like right now? It’s like Las Vegas.
34. Last person you talked to on the phone? Katie.
35. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? That they are more attractive than men.
36. Favorite Drink? Strawberry lemonade. What? It is TOO a manly drink!
37. Favorite Sport? Trying to find the car keys. I guess it isn’t my favorite, really, but it’s the one I end up playing more than any other sport.
38. Hair Color? I’m a natural brown. (and grey)
39. Eye Color? Brown (and white)
40. Do you wear contacts? Nope.
41. Favorite Food? Yes it is.
42. Last Movie You Watched? Enchanted.
43. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Can’t we all just get along?
44. Summer Or Winter? May through December is where it’s at, for me.
45. Hugs OR Kisses? Now slow down there, sweetheart.
46. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Why don’t you just ask me to choose my favorite child while you’re at it?
47. Living Arrangements? I make Katie happy, and I get to live with her.
48. What Books Are You Reading? The TV Guide. It’s FASCINATING!
49. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Uhmmm…looks like ketchup stains.
50. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Nothing.
51. Favorite Smells? The beach. Clean laundry.
52. Favorite Sounds? Ed McMahan’s voice. “Mr. Craig, you just won $1 Million!”
53. Rolling Stones or Beatles? U2
54. Do you believe in Evolution or Creation? Does anyone really believe in evolution? I mean…REALLY? Do they also believe in goblins, the boogeyman, and taxes?
55. What's the furthest you've been from home? Israel.
56. What is your pet-peeve? People asking me what I like most about myself.
57. What do you like the most about yourself? Oh, you are KILLING ME!
58. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? I would change it so that I could FLY!
59. Who is your make-believe hero and living hero? Well, I believe that the children are our future and that the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself.
60. If you could teach one thing to the world, what would it be? I'd like to teach the world to send me money so that I wouldn’t have to work for a living, but rather spend my days becoming a world-traveler and famous writer. And work on my tan.
Okay, now that I’m done with your interrogation, I’D like to ask some questions. That’s right, the tables have turned. Now I’M holding the proverbial conch. And this is what I want. I want to do a Roll Call of sorts, here. I want to know who’s out there. Who is reading The Craig Report? Anybody? Just the original 5 college friends who signed a contract with me that we would all start a blog at the same time? Just family? Long lost friends? Did we date in high school? Did you laugh at me while I played Water Polo? They MADE us wear Speedos, you know! It wasn’t MY choice!
I’m just intrigued by the idea of seeing if anyone is out there, and who they might be. And in order to sound compLETELY narcissistic about this, I will also be offering a free autographed photo of myself to anybody who leaves a comment! That’s right, I ‘m opening this post for comments! (Just click on the "comments" button on the bottom!)
Let me know: Are you out there? Do YOU have a blog I should be reading? How did you find The Craig Report? Are we friends? Do we know the same people? Is there anything I can do for you? Do you have any recommendations for baby names? Are you as personally offended as I am at the price of gas?