Showing posts with label Abbie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abbie. Show all posts

Friday, August 21, 2015

A Moment in Time, Part 1

This is us. The Ken and Katie Craig Family. This is a #familyselfie taken last Sunday, on the eve of mine and Katie’s 20th anniversary. We took it to capture a very precise moment. A moment that is fleeting. A moment that I wish were more...still.

It’s the last moments of having my family all under one roof. And I kind of love this moment.

Don’t get me wrong. I am super excited for my oldest, Abbie, who will move into her dorm room on Saturday, the 29th. (Go Cougars!) I believe in her, and I have all the confidence that she will take over the world and create the greatest happiness in her life. And I want her to do that. That’s what Katie and I had in mind 18 years ago.

But that ushers in a whole new era. The era where most of my very favorite people and best friends start to not live with me anymore. Yes, you’re correct, it will be 17 years before that era ends. And yes, I’ll be 60 years old by then, and yes, whenever I think about that, it makes me kind of want to take a nap. But yes, our family dynamic is permanently changing, and my feelings about it are all over the place.

Abbie speaking at her graduation. And Hillary offering moral support. 

Speaking of emotional moments, August has provided a bumper crop of them at the Craig house. The first being the fact that Abbie turned 18. Katie and I both spoke at a graduation ceremony we held for her in our backyard, and I - because I apparently like to fall apart in public - took the opportunity to read and give Abbie a letter I had written to her just two days after she was born. After I wrote it I had then put it away with the idea I would give it to her "some day." And that day turned out to be on her 18th birthday.

I won't post the entire letter, but here is an excerpt.

August 10, 1997

Dear Abbie,

I wanted to let you know some of the things that I felt prompted to bless you with when you were given a name and a blessing on August 10, 1997. I don’t know why. I guess I just figured that at some point in your life you may be a little curious as to my impressions of you when I only knew you for a couple of days. I mean besides the fact you were the cutest baby ever sent to this or any planet.

It’s funny. By the time you are old enough to read this, and maybe appreciate it, I will seem like a pretty old guy to you. But if you could see me now, writing this. I feel so young and naive and unsure of my abilities to be a good dad. To be a good parent. I haven’t learned enough about the whole thing to be wise or even knowledgeable. But I’m not scared. I love you so much, I think that will drown out the insignificant mistakes, and maybe even some big blunders.

I blessed you to be a light to those you come in contact with. Even though I have only known you for a short while, I sense your personality is one of this nature. One of the greatest gifts we can have in this life is charity. The way we treat others means everything. To be able to lift others by being yourself is a great accomplishment and it means having the Spirit with you.

I love you very much. I’m glad I’m your dad.

I never would have imagined fatherhood to be what it has been these last 18 years. I am a better person because I get to be Abbie's dad. She is a light to those who know her – including, and maybe especially, to her family. She loves goodness. I have always appreciated the way she assumes the best about me. It makes me want to be better.

I will miss her being present in our home everyday. I will miss her piano playing being in the background of Sunday afternoons. I will miss her telling detailed stories of daily events. I know Katie will miss her being her right-arm. But we are so, so excited for her. This is really her moment, too.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Yes, WE Will Go to the Dance with You

Youguys, youguys, youguys! Ohmygosh, youguys!

So, let's just say (totally hypothetically) that your 16 year old daughter - we'll call her Abbie - was creatively asked to her first school dance on Saturday night! And, just for funsies, let's also pretend that you belong to a fantastic book club (which is closed) and it's your turn to host, so your home is filled with 10 amazing people who think your daughter is pretty neat-o, and they can BARELY contain their excitement that they have a front row seat to the actual moment she is asked!!!!

You know what? Let's get even more detailed. 

Let's imagine that it kind of happens like, oh, I don't know, like this: (names have not been changed)

You're all sitting in the front room, discussing books and life and food. (Not in that order.) 

The doorbell rings. 

Kacy: (Who has an uncanny ability to sense things, we'll call her the Doorbell Whisperer.) Abbie's getting asked to a dance! I just saw somebody run away from the door!

Everyone: AAAAAHHHH!

Katie: I'll get Abbie! (Abbie was downstairs, watching a movie with her siblings.)

Everyone else jumps into place. By this, I mean Chris stations himself at the piano and starts playing the appropriate mood music - a kind of dramatic pomp and circumstance riff. The rest of us make a line from the stair banister to the front door, so Abbie gets to/has to walk by all of us on her way to the door. Except my friend, Josh, the only one with sensibilities telling him that this might be embarrassing for Abbie. He hides in the kitchen. 

The room has EXPLODED with emotion! I mean, the thrill, the anxiety, the nervousness, the giddiness - it's all in pieces on the floor and walls and us! Patrick does the sensible thing and films the entire moment.

Once Abbie opens the door and reads the note out loud, we are all abuzz again; planning a proper creative response to this young man, who has no idea what he has started by simply dropping off a plate of toast and a note on this fateful night.  

Within minutes, and even after Abbie has retreated to the safety of the basement, we have already made our own plans for how Abbie should creatively respond to this invitation, what she should wear, what our coordinated outfits should look like for when he picks her up for the dance and we all go to the dance WITH Abbie and her date, and a highly choreographed flash mob. (Admittedly, we aren't sure exactly when the flash mob will be needed - but we're leaning towards the moment he rings the doorbell. Cue the Doorbell Whisperer.) (We are about 68% kidding on all of these things.)

So, I am just wondering…is your 16-year-old self totally cringing while you read this? Would you be mortified or handle it with grace and a smile like Abbie? Would you hate your parents and their friends? And again, this is absolutely hypothetical, I'm asking for a friend. 







Monday, July 01, 2013

Freedom, the Constitution & Parades


This is my beautiful daughter, Abbie. This photo is actually several months old, when she got her drivers permit. But it's what I had on my phone. Wait. I do have one more. Here she is with some of her friends. She's in the grey dress, with the perfected photo-head-tilt.


Since this is America and I have a satchel full of awesome freedom, and one of those is the freedom to brag about my children, I wanted to let you know that out of 2,000+ entries from high school students across the state of Utah, our very own Abbie won the Freedom Festival Essay Contest!

The title, assigned by the Speech Contest Chair of Utah's Freedom Festival, was "How Does the Constitution Ensure the Values of Family, Freedom, God, and Country for Our Everyday Lives." And I don't think I have to tell you, but Abbie NAILED IT! (I don't have to tell you this because I already told you she won.)

Part of Abbie's winnings include a check towards furthering her education, parts of her essay being published locally, and finally...she gets to ride on a float in Provo's Freedom Festival Parade for the Fourth of July! Can you STAND IT?! Who doesn't love a parade?

If you're in Provo for the Fourth, be on the lookout for a lovely, poised, articulate young lady who, exercising her freedom to enjoy sweets, will be throwing candy to parade watchers young and old! If you won't be in Provo, hopefully the parade will be nationally televised. It should be. I'd want to see it! Celebrate America by writing your congressman and telling him you want this parade carried by your local NBC affiliate! I'm pretty sure that's how it works. I should check with Abbie first, though. She obviously knows more about this country than me, since she is WINNING CONTESTS!

In all sincerity, I could not be more proud of her. Here is the concluding paragraph of her essay:



The Constitution ensures the values of family, freedom, God, and country.  If we understand and follow the Constitution and strive to live by it and uphold its truths, we will have a better country.  The Constitution was created to maintain a land of freedom.  It is our responsibility, as the rising generation, to become the noble leaders of tomorrow.  We need to grow into adults who can better our neighborhoods, communities, states, and even our nation.  We need to continue our education so we can be leaders who believe, love, and understand the Constitution of the United States of America.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A Father Is Born


I became a father on August 8, 1997, 8:42 a.m.

Katie and I had been married [just shy of] two years, and I felt comfortable and confident in my role as an adoring husband. I was less sure of myself in the role of a dad.

I don't remember this photo being taken, but I precisely remember sitting in that chair, holding Abbie. I remember feeling still. Present in the moment, and by the same measure, caught up in this sense of eternity. It was an instant when I felt like I should have the most profound observations and declarations to make; but for the life of me, I could not find a single, coherent word. I don't think I'm an exceptional writer or orator, but I had thought I was at least good enough to express what it's like to hold your newborn child. The words never came.  I felt them. I just couldn't say them. They seemed somehow deficient.

I remember the distinct impression that Abbie's spirit was older than mine. I don't know how doctrinally accurate that is, but it was a clear thought, in a sea of sleep-deprived thoughts.

I felt inadequate, underqualified, and flawed. But I also felt completely motivated by love. And I think that calmed me. I think love magnifies efforts, covers mistakes, and corrects foolishness. I hadn't left that hospital room yet when I felt like a dad for the first time, because I felt propelled by an undeniable love for this beautiful, heavenly-scented infant that was mine.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Your Life is An Occasion


We occasionally have Movie Night around our house. I kind of like to consider this one of my parenting contributions. Katie has her things; what, with the encouraging morals and values and preparing our children to be valiant, contributing members of society. But when it comes to introducing superheroes, Hobbits, Indiana Jones (with the face melting edited out), or the comical genius of Steve Martin and Martin Short singing “My Little Buttercup"...it's best to just leave that in my hands. 

Recently Abbie, my fifteen year old, asked if we could watch Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. I remember when it came out in theaters; which is saying something, because I don’t think it was there for very long. She had already seen it at somebody else’s house while babysitting. She’d even asked if we could watch it on a previous Movie Night, but I dismissed it because we needed to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs for a third time, instead.

Our lovely Abbie (on the right) and our cute Becca.

Having no real defense for not watching it, and recognizing that she had been patient when I turned my nose up at it the first time, I agreed. I was also interested to see why it was that Abbie loved it so. I was hoping maybe it would tell me something about her.

Now, please recognize that I am not recommending this movie to you. I don’t know your tastes; and this is a quirky movie that is certainly not everyone’s cup of Postum. But I will admit that this movie affected me, though in a way that I won’t suggest would or should affect everybody. But the stars kind of aligned for me, I guess, and it was a perfect storm.

In a nutshell, here is the story. Natalie Portman plays a 23 year-old musical prodigy, and works for Dustin Hoffman, the Mr. Magorium of said Wonder Emporium, which is essentially a magical wonderland. Now, when Natalie was younger, everyone told her she was a musical genius, a brilliant pianist. That she was special. And she believed them. But now she has grown up, and isn’t so sure.

There is no mention of Natalie’s parents, but Mr. Magorium is somewhat of a father figure to her. And she clearly cares for him, as if she were a daughter. So she is shocked the day that Mr. Magorium tells her that he is “leaving this life.” He is not depressed, and this is not about suicide. He has magically lived for more than a hundred years, and it’s simply “time to go.” He is not upset by this. But whoa-nelly, Natalie sure is! And she is not flattered that he wants to leave the store to her. On the contrary, she believes nobody can or should run the store but him; least of all, her. But before he goes, he gives her this wonderful, inspiring speech you can see below in this clip from the movie. He also tells her that she has this something in her. This sparkle. This uniqueness that makes her divine.

But Natalie still doesn’t feel it. 





After Mr. M is gone, there’s a scene where Natalie and Jason Bateman (who plays the no-nonsense accountant that Mr. Magorium hires to figure out what the store is worth) are in the store, after-hours, alone. It’s quiet, and she stands before Jason and asks him, “When you look at me, what do you see?”

“Really pretty eyes?” he guesses.

And she timidly asks back, “Do you see a sparkle?”

He’s confused.

She tries again. “Something reflective of something bigger, trying to get out.”

And that’s when I felt the lump in my throat.

I’m not exactly sure what that was about, but I believe it had something to do with my daughter. Maybe it’s because I could see similarities between Abbie and Natalie’s physical features, so I projected Abbie into that situation. Maybe it was because I thought of how Abbie was probably seeing herself in Natalie. Maybe it’s because I felt I was watching the story of a father, lovingly wanting to instill this confidence in his daughter, of how incredible and lovely and talented and capable and sparkly and delightful she is…and then to no longer be the prominent male figure in her life, because he is not there and she has grown up…and now she stands before this other man, and in complete vulnerability, asks him if he sees greatness in her. If he recognizes a sparkle. Asking him to validate the feelings and truths that were planted there years before.

And then my favorite part, at the end of the movie (spoiler alert), when Natalie has experienced the needed opportunities to prove to herself that she is all that Mr. Magorium promised her she was, and then – then, Jason Bateman sees the sparkle. Once she believed in herself, the sparkle was evident.

This is what the movie left me quietly reflecting on: I hope that despite my flaws and massive imperfections, my children believe me when I tell them there is greatness in them; that they sparkle. I hope they will remember their childhood and youth as a time they marinated in love. I hope that I am providing the opportunities they need to face experiences that require them to look up, rise up, and walk up; and that when they rise to the occasion, they recognize it. And that whomever they decide to spend their life and eternity with will see the sparkle and enhance it.

Do you have a comment? A quirky movie that affected you when you simply thought you were about to be bored for 80 minutes? Visit Part Time Authors, where this was posted this morning, and let me know.


Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Self Promotion! Everyone Enjoys That!


To avoid being fined for ignoring my civic duties, there are a few things I need to let you know about.


One: Katie and I recently did an interview on The Mormon Channel, speaking on a show called Tech Savvy about Parenting in the Tech Age. We were interviewed by our new friend Elisa, the delightful host of the program, and we were appearing with Richard and Linda Eyre. Yes, those Richard and Linda Eyres, the authors of over a dozen bestselling books, including Teaching Your Children Values which was the first parenting book to make it to the position of #1 New York Times bestseller since Dr. Spock's book.

Are you keeping score here?

Authors of Bestselling Books: Eyres: 12, Craigs: Less Than Zero.
Sought After for Parenting Advice: Eyres: Constantly, Craigs: As of This Afternoon, Not Once.
Raising a Large Family: Eyres: 9 children, Craigs: 7. (Ok, we’re closer on that one.)
BUT…Richard Eyre ran for Governor of Utah in 1992, and lost to Mike Leavitt. Katie ran for Student Council President that same year at Ryle High School…and won! So yeah, I guess we were pretty evenly matched for this interview.

Sincerely, the Eyres are a most wonderful, genuine, and kind couple. It is no wonder they are so accomplished. It was intimidating to be sitting next to such prolific people, but they made us feel like we belonged. Every time Richard made a comment I was so tempted to say, “I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Richard.” Because – HA! – it would be hilarious. Because nobody disagrees with him. Because he’s kind of a maharishi in his field. So it would be funny. You get it? No? See, I was kind of worried nobody else would either, so I didn’t do it.

Anyway, you can listen to the interview right HERE – but be warned, you aren’t going to hear anything from us that you haven’t already thought of yourself. In fact, if you don’t say, “Uhm…no, doi!” at least three times after I speak, you aren’t listening close enough. Here is a two-minute clip of the show, and soon you'll be able to see the entire episode. 





Second: It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday, and you need to get her something! I can’t believe you’ve even waited this long! But your secret is safe with me, and I’m even going to help you out. Order this book, “Tell Me Who I Am,” and you will get a special bookmark and chocolates to go with it. And your mom will love you! I am a contributing author to it, so finally, one day, it will change the score to Bestselling Books: Eyres: 12, Craigs: 1. Order today in order to get it by Mother’s Day! Order by clicking right HERE!


Finally, and most importantly: Shakespeare. He’s dead. But just as I anticipate with my blog, Shakespeare’s writings are still celebrated years after his death!

If you live nearby or just across state lines or you’re related to me and have no choice in the matter, you simply must attend this weekend’s performances of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night! You won’t regret it – because I SAID SO!

This play’s got everything! Sword fighting, flirting, drunken 12 year olds, sad clowns, and a spit-take! What’s a spit take? You know, it’s that thing, where you have water in your mouth and someone makes you laugh or makes you angry so you spit water all over everyone… (And yes, there is a “splash-zone.” That’s just good theater.)


My son, Garren, plays said drunken 12 year old. And more proud, I could not be. He is so delightful to watch, you’ll want to take him home with you. But you’ll regret it. Because he eats two double-doubles whenever you go to In-N-Out; and folks, that adds up! But WAIT – the talent doesn’t stop there. The play is being directed by my triple-threat wife, Katie! She speaks on technology, she directs plays, and she…well, she does everything else under the sun with impeccable talent and good looks. And my daughter, Abbie, is helping direct the play. It’s a family affair! And you’re invited!


THIS Friday and Saturday, 2 p.m. matinees for $5/ticket or evening shows at 7 p.m. for $10/ticket. They are performing at Family Music Center, 8125 West Sahara Avenue  Las Vegas, NV 89117. Let me know if you’d like tickets, as Garren is selling them and needs money to support his In-N-Out habit.

That is all the announcements I have for today, friends! Thanks for coming by. I can't tell you how much I love you for it. 

Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Proud Moment



This is my beautiful 14-year old daughter, Abbie. (She's the one without the feathers.)

Abbie and two of her cousins recently started a blog. They developed this blog to amuse just themselves, exclusively; however, when I read Abbie's current post, I decided it had to be shared (with her permission, of course). She even selected the photos all on her own. I am so proud to be her dad.

And now, I give you....Abbie's post:

"A....A Dentist."


When I was younger, I decided that there were a few occupations that I would never pursue.   Oddly enough, the main reason I didn't want to be these things was because they were all generally disliked by people.  Adults or children.  Please keep in mind that I made this list when I was about ten years old.  It's still pretty accurate.

1. A Police officer.  


This was simply because adults don't like them.  I didn't consider the fact that you could be killed almost every day at work, I simply didn't want that job because people don't like getting pulled over, or getting tickets, or going to jail.  

2. A lawyer.  



This occupation interests me more, now that I've done some debating in a class.  But at the time, I didn't want to be a lawyer because people aren't usually happy with their lawyers, unless they win the argument.  WHAT IF YOU DON'T WIN THE ARGUMENT?  Then you feel terrible for the rest of your life that you failed to help someone.

3.  A dentist.

There are very few people I know that enjoy going to the dentist.  Children or adults.  I am not one of them.  I used to hate it because I was scared.  Now I'm tough and I just hate it because it's an all-day process!  I mean, you have to wait there for, like, half an hour--or longer if your siblings go before you--and your mom fills out all the paperwork.  Oh, the paperwork.  I think that's one of the things I'm dreading when I become a mom.  Then when you finally get to go to the back, you have to do the x-rays.  I can't be the only one who hates having some giant, nasty, plastic thing in your mouth that you have to bite down on while it jabs it's way into your cheeks!  Once your done having all the areas of you mouth gouged, you get to sit in the chair.  Peace at last, right?  Wrong!  That's when you have to hold your mouth open for twenty minutes at the least, while the poke around and "count your teeth".  Need I remind you people?  I'm not four.  I thought it was pretty obvious.  They tell you about every thirty seconds to "open wide!".  Really?  I'm at the dentist.  I know what to expect.  I had my mouth open as far as it would go before you even told me to "open wider" the VERY FIRST TIME!  Then they clean your teeth with awful toothpaste.  It doesn't matter what flavor you get, it all tastes like blahgh!  Then they suck all the moisture out of your mouth and don't rinse it thoroughly so you have the grainy texture for the rest of the day.  When your finally done, your face is almost numb, you have a horrible taste for a week, and you feel like you never want to open your mouth again.

When I was younger, I had a cavity so deep that it went to my gums.  However, it never hurt or bothered me, so we left it alone.  For whatever reason, (when I was probably eight or nine) we decided it was time to pull it out.  I was beyond terrified.  I hated going to the dentist, and this was absolutely no exception.  I honestly don't remember much of the process...except for crying and possibly even screaming at one point.  I remember the dentist saying, in her sing-song voice "oh, you have such pretty earrings (I had recently gotten them pierced), are they real diamonds?" and I thought A) Again, I'm not four, so you don't have to talk like I am.  B) Real diamonds?  Really?  Even if they were, how was I supposed to know?!  and C) Do you really want me to answer that question?  Because if I do, I'll probably spray this nasty whatever-it-is right out of my mouth.  I don't think either of us wants that to happen (unless it will get the taste out of my mouth), so lets just cut the small talk and get this thing done.  It was dreadful.  The rest of the story, in fast motion, is: They put in a space maintainer that came out on Halloween.  Great dentist, right?  

So recently we went to this free dentist convention at the Las Vegas College of Dentistry, and I had my first filling.  I'm pretty proud of that.  Anyway, to make a very long story very short, I was back there, with my mouth wide open and the dentist assistant pulling my tongue and weird things and hands going in and out of my mouth, for over an hour.  It was not pleasant...to say the least.  And they always try and make you talk to them with your mouth open!  "You're so pretty!  What do you like to do?  What do you like to do in school?  What do you want to be when you grow up?  You should continue your career and then have a family when your done.  How long have you lived in Las Vegas?  (and I wish I was making this up,) Do you have a boyfriend?"  I'm surprised at how many ridiculous questions they come up with, and how I had any liquid left in my mouth!  There are only 3 upsides.  1. They only numbed a part of my mouth, so I didn't drool as much  2. It was totally free!  and 3. I hopefully don't have to go to the dentist again for a whole beautiful, closed mouth, complete feeling in my mouth,  6 months.



Thursday, May 13, 2010

Much Ado About Abbie

*"Much Ado About Nothing"


*Friday and Saturday, May 14 & 15, 1 p.m. and 7 p.m.
*North Port Industrial Park, 3575 W. Cheyenne, Suite 109
*Tickets available at the door!


Click here to see the mention in the North Las Vegas View! 





I recently caught up with Abbie Craig, America’s newest Sweetheart and pre-teen ingénue – and star of the upcoming Pillar of Light Commonwealth’s production of William Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing.”

K: Abbie, it wasn’t that long ago that you first burst on the scene in your highly praised acting debut; playing the part of Narrator #2 in your kindergarten class’ critically acclaimed production of “Three Piggy Opera.” Then you shocked America by going against the grain and accepting small parts in such off-off-off Broadway productions as “The Elk Ridge Ward Roadshow” and “The Elkhorn Springs Stake Musical” – even taking on an un-credited role as the Jack-in-the-Box in the seasonal “Christmas at the North Pole,” directed by your own mom, one of the most sought after talents in the business, with a reputation for being exceptionally adorable, highly attractive, delightfully witty, and fiercely loyal to her husband of almost 15 years.

A: Is there a question in there?

K: I want to know “why.”

A: ‘Why’ what?

K: Never mind. Tell me how this experience has affected you.

A: It’s been a long, learning journey.

K: Mmm-hmm. How has it stretched you, as an actress?

A: Well, I have to hold hands with TWO different boys. And I had to get used to it.

K: What are their names? Seriously, I want names, Abbie. They’ll never work in this town again! Because I will rip their faces off!

A: Dad. I HAVE to hold their hands. It’s for the play. It’s not because we like each other.

K: Always the professional, you are, Abbie. Now, are you being typecast in this play? How are you like this character that you play, the delicate Hero?

A: Well, I’m young. Caring. Loving.

K: And why should people come see “Much Ado About Nothing?”

A: Well, it’s an opportunity to support local theater and family entertainment – which, unless you count the Liberace Museum (and I don’t), is hard to come by in this town. The play is performed entirely by junior high and high school age students – the cast is sensational, the costumes are breathtaking, and the script isn’t too shabby either! We’ve put a lot of work into this, and we want to share it with as many people as possible! We’re really proud of it.

K: And you are the prettiest 12 year old I’ve ever seen.

A: Thank you, Daddy.






Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It's Always Nice to Meet a Fan


During dinner last night (Indian Chicken Masala with rice, if you’re curious), my precocious and seemingly full-grown 11-year old daughter, Abbie, casually throws out, “Oh, Dad, by the way, I finished reading your blog today.”

(Cue me coughing chicken masala out my nose.)

“(Cough, cough) My blog?”

“Yep.”

“How did you find it?”

“Uhm (read: Duh!) – it’s on the Internet. Anybody can read it.”

“Yes, but … why are you reading it?”

“I wanted to see what you write about.”

“You mean you read the last thing I wrote?”

“No, your whole blog. From the beginning.”

(My brain begins to scan 3+ years of writing, filtering out topics I would not want my children to read about.)

“You read about when I took the boys from church to the morgue?”

“That was funny.”

“You read about when we tried to breed your guinea pig?”

“Yeah…I didn’t get that one.”

“You read about when I sing inappropriate songs to Mom?”

“(Stone faced, looking down at her plate) I don’t want to talk about that one.”

So, my daughter has read my blog…hehehe…isn’t that sweet…hehehe…that’s just adorable…hehehe…WHAT?! What are you so nervous about? Just calm down. Everything will be fine. Every child should read about their parent driving naked. So my daughter reads my blog, so what? Who cares? It’s fine. She is welcome to read anytime. I hope she reads this one!

Anyway, on a totally unrelated note, did I ever tell you guys about the time between the ages of 12 and 22 when I was completely obedient to everything my parents ever told me to do? No? I haven’t told you that story yet? Odd. Well, that’s probably because I have been too busy reading scriptures and helping old women cross the street. That takes up a lot of my time lately. But that’s just me. Always looking to choose the right. Always conscious of the example I’m setting. Always writing about private things on the Internet, where anybody can read them, including people in my own house. 

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Craig Bunch: Our Christmas Card



THE CRAIG BUNCH Episode Guide for Season 13
This is brief listing of some of the episodes from 2008.  Each is a mix of hectic and calm, laughter and tears, desperation and inspiration.  And of course, every episode teaches a very valuable lesson!

The Florida Episode: The Craigs fly across the continental United States to Florida and pack in as much Disney, seashore, and scenic alligator sightings as they can. Take Home Message: Family togetherness is important. Cramming three different amusement parks into three consecutive days? Less important. Spread it out, folks.

The Child Development Episode: Garren (age 9) plays club baseball, involving many weekend trips up to St. George. Connor (age 7) can usually get out of trouble by saying something funny. Roxanna (age 5) has no filter and says whatever comes to her mind. Take Home Message: Garren won’t be playing club baseball anymore, Connor will continue to work on new material, and the family agrees that Roxanna’s comment “You smell like rice pudding” must be a compliment.

The Theatrical Episode: The entire Craig Family performs in the Stake Play: A musical review called “We Go Together.” Their ditty? As 7-month pregnant Katie belts out the Oklahoma classic, “I’m Just a Girl Who Cain’t Say No”, Ken and the kids dance around on stage.  Tanner (age 2) steals the show as he shakes what his momma gave him.  Take Home Message: What’s a stake play without a little harmless innuendo?

The Birth Episode: (Originally aired during "Sweeps," of course.) Katie delivers 10-pound Rebecca Craig…at home…unassisted by anyone but Ken.  Take Home Message: Immediately calling your midwife when you are in labor is important. So is keeping a clean guest bathroom. We’re just sayin’.

The Church Service Episode: Ken completes his first year as The Ward Bishop and loves the members of the Elk Ridge Ward. Take Home Message: Sometimes bishops are forced to feign amusement each time someone comments on his rapidly graying hair. Bishops have feelings too.

The Family Reunion Episode: The Craigs join The Entire Craig Family and then the Fillmore Family for a summer of family reunions in Utah. Take Home Message: During the summer months, the Craigs will leave Las Vegas at the drop of a hat.

The Bakery Episode: Abbie (age 11) starts her own bakery business out of our home, supplying a variety of homemade breads to a burgeoning clientele list. Take Home Message: Man cannot live on bread alone…unless it is Abbie’s homemade bread, because then, yes you can, people. Yes you can.

The Music Episode: The Craig kids are tapped as musical prodigies as they masterfully play the piano, trumpet, flute, drums, and cowbell. Take Home Message: The kids take after their mom. Dad is useless unless you are interested in “music appreciation.”

The Holiday Special: Katie directs a group of home schoolers in a Christmas play and produces it at a homeless shelter and two retirement homes. Take Home Message: Putting 30 kids in costumes on a stage is entertainment, no matter what happens. Everybody loves them.

The Christmas Episode: After surviving the biggest Las Vegas snowfall since 1979, the Craigs take time to express all their love and gratitude to their family and friends. Take Home Message: They recognize how truly, truly blessed they are to know such wonderful people and such wonderful doctrine as the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas from The Craig Bunch!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Agent & The Client

The Agent
The other night my 10-year-old daughter, Abbie, asked me what an Agent does. I naturally assumed she had at some point overheard me refer to myself as an Insurance Agent, but I remained ever hopeful that she really wanted to know more about being a Hollywood Agent or a Sports Agent or even a cleaning agent. All of which are flashier careers than an Insurance Agent.

I gave her my brief description of how an Agent works, and assumed that was the end of her curiosity. I woke up the next morning to find this note on my nightstand (original spelling included):


Dear Mr. Ken Craig,

I, Abigail Craig, am now working as Garren Craig’s agent. He requested that I send you a letter asking for a job. This needs to be an outside job that does not include pruning or going to the neighbors houses. He will willingly work on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saterdays. His vacations are requested on the 2nd, 4th and 5th weeks of the month. He would also like to be payed 15¢ a day. If this is all right, please let me know. If you request something different, please let me know what it is and I will try to make it work for both of you. Thank you very much.

Sincerelly,
Miss Abigail Craig
Agent to Mr. Garren Craig

I was duly impressed. My 10-year-old was now representing my 8-year-old. And at a pretty outrageous deal of a price! Sidebar: Garren’s stand on not pruning comes as a result of us having 38 rose bushes in our backyard. He has seen the work that goes into these suckers, and he is standing his ground, to be sure.

I responded:

Craig Enterprises
Attention: Abigail Craig
Craig House, Bedroom #2
Las Vegas, NV

Dear Miss Abigail Craig:

On behalf of Ken Craig Industries, I appreciate you contacting me regarding the employment interests of Mr. Garren J. Craig. We are always looking for talented, dedicated individuals who are interested in providing quality work at a minimal cost to us; thus, keeping our stockholders fat and sassy.

I’ve reviewed the demands of Mr. Craig concerning his wages and hours of labor, as well as his request that his duties not include the pruning of rose bushes, nor maintaining close association with the neighbors. (We at Ken Craig Industries have a Tolerance Policy where we respect the phobias of all employees, including anthrophobia (the fear of flowers) or agyrophobia (the fear of crossing the street), which we have concluded is Mr. Craig’s reason for not wanting to talk to the neighbors.)

We have an extensive list of jobs that can be done on the Ken Craig Industries property, and we would be most interested in hiring Mr. Garren J. Craig to come work for us.

Regarding the salary arrangement, we would like to propose that we pay Mr. Craig 25¢ for each task he completes, with the understanding that he will place 50% of his earnings into our 401K Plan (a savings account), for his use once he reaches the age of 18 years.

If this meets with the approval of Mr. Craig, we would like him to begin work immediately, effective today, starting with the task of clearing his baseball equipment from the lawn, and repairing the very window through which he hurled a rock (being used as a mock-baseball).

I eagerly await the impending decision, and look forward to seeing you at dinner tonight.

Sincerely,
Ken Craig
President, Ken Craig Industries

(I was originally prepared to offer Garren $1 for each task, but Katie, my wife and primary stockholder within Ken Craig Industries, strongly opposed, fearing Garren would attempt to run up quite a bill.)

After reviewing my letter, Abbie immediately scheduled a meeting with Garren. Then Abbie and I had a sit down and came to a verbal agreement that Garren will begin work immediately, but he requests that his paying for the broken window be removed from the binding contract. Agreed.

I know you shouldn’t mix business with family, but what do you do when they are this adorable and child labor laws don’t apply?

The Client






Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Birds & The Bees & The Guinea Pigs

A few weeks ago my eight-year-old daughter, Abbie, somehow arrived at the idea that her guinea pig, TJ, should have babies. You know, to pass on the TJ family name. To grow her posterity. To leave a legacy during her lifetime.

I don’t have any proof, but my impression is that TJ is probably more interested in having babies because she is going to need someone to take care of her when she’s old. Last I checked, she had paid virtually nothing into her 401K and IRA accounts. Also most of her life has been spent working part-time gigs and getting paid under the table, so she won’t qualify for Social Security either. Essentially, her children would be her retirement fund, and if she doesn’t get busy, she’s going to end up childless and in a Guinea Pig Hospice, delirious and telling stories about how she could run on her exercise wheel for days without taking a break. She would bore the other guinea pigs to tears, I am most certain of that.

Being sensitive to TJ’s situation, and being reassured by Abbie that we were not going to keep all the guinea pig babies, I agreed to pimp TJ out to the most qualified male guinea pig in the tri-state area. Abbie had recently been to the birthday party of a friend who received, as one of her presents, a male guinea pig. Coincidence? I think not.

So, in one of my most awkward phone conversations on record, we invited this family over last Saturday night, and requested they bring Chuck, their guinea pig, to enjoy a romp on our stud farm. It was all under the guise of our families enjoying some dessert together as friends, but essentially, it was so our guinea pigs could get it on (to coin a phrase). And I don’t care where you’re from, that’s weird.

On top of that weirdness was a generous helping of novel emotions on my part. I was suddenly suspicious of Chuck. What kind of guinea pig was he? What sort of upbringing? What kind of education has he had? How is he going to provide for this new family of his? If he’s like the other guinea pigs I’ve met, I’ll tell you how he’s going to provide for them – he’s not! And then I’ll have all these little fatherless guinea pigs running around! I’ll have bastard guinea pigs, that’s what I’ll have! The humanity!

But I didn’t have the heart to intervene. Who was I to step between two rodents in love? Plus you should have seen TJ getting ready for her date. Checking herself in the mirror every five minutes, on the phone with her girlfriends all day, writing in her diary about how this was the night she was going to give herself to a complete stranger named Chuck.

So Chuck shows up fashionably late, and man, you should have seen the look on his face. TJ is three times the size of Chuck, outweighing him by at least 2 lbs. It was a Jack Sprat situation if I’d ever seen one. And then Chuck had the audacity to look at me as if I were to blame. As if to say, “Hey, man, this isn’t the order I placed in my Mail Order Bride catalogue. I ordered Angelina Jolie, not Queen Latifah. You’ve got exactly five minutes to fix this situation.”

Assuming that guinea pigs are different from humans (but similar to teenagers) we just stuck two random guinea pigs in our backyard and fully expected them to mate. As if the difficult part in this scenario was over. “Well, thank goodness we found a female and male guinea pig. Now we just sit back and wait for babies.” It was pretty unfair for us to not even consider the social pressure we were putting on these two.

Katie had put together a delectable salad for TJ and Chuck to enjoy while they got to know each other. You know, to help with the small talk. Plus they say radishes are an aphrodisiac for guinea pigs. (At least that’s what I overheard Chuck explaining to TJ.) So the two of them sat in a grassy spot in the backyard, enjoying their salad and chitchat, all the while trying to ignore the entourage of children watching their every move. Sensing that neither TJ nor Chuck were comfortable with their role as exhibitionists, we had the kids come inside the house and we all enjoyed dessert.

About 30 minutes later our friends ventured to the backyard to retrieve Chuck, and they found him snuggled up next to TJ. Did it take? Did they even try? Had anyone bothered to explain to them how it works? Were they feeling shy? Were they just too full from the salad?

The gestational period for a guinea pig is 70 days…but I can’t wait that long to find out, so I’ll probably sneak into TJ’s room when she’s asleep and take a peek at her diary to see if we can expect a whole bunch of little TJs come early September!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

I have quite an inimitable relationship with baseball. I know the legends of baseball, but I couldn’t tell you their statistics. I recognize the names of some major league baseball teams, but I couldn’t tell you the name of one, single, major league player. I don’t even have a favorite team…but when I attend a baseball game – minor or major league – I feel more patriotic than anything else I do.

Maybe it’s the small-town feel that accompanies a minor league game: A sense of a community coming together. Maybe the nostalgia that comes with it since communities are all but non-existent, and “coming together” certainly isn’t on their agenda if they do exist. Maybe it’s the history of baseball, identified as an American sport, developed at a time when the people of this country were patriotic. They believed in an American dream. They were kinder to each other. Baseball was a commonality between neighbors, cities, states, and the country.

Maybe it’s the movies about baseball. Films that use baseball as a backdrop against the protagonist’s journey appeal to me on a personal level. I don’t know why, really. It’s the story of the hero that leaves an impression on me, and not the game of baseball, but somehow the two are intertwined.

Whatever it is about the sport that evokes the emotions that it does in me, they were heightened when my son Garren took an interest in the sport. I came home from work one day, about two years ago, and Garren asked me to play catch with him in the backyard. Garren was four years old at the time and had received a baseball glove from Santa that Christmas. But to my knowledge, he had never really put it to use, other than using it as a prop as he acted out parts of The Sandlot.

I agreed to go play catch with him because he’s my son and I love him. Not because I expected a great game of catch. If anything, I expected a great game of “fetch,” wherein I would throw the ball, Garren would fetch it, he would “throw” it to me, I would fetch it, and on we would go until dinner was ready.

We walked into the backyard and assumed our posts. I turned and looked at him, waiting there for me to throw the ball. He had his glove up in the air, and a colossal smile on his face. He couldn’t wait to play. He looked like the sweetest kid. I threw the ball to him – overhand, even – and, as if the muses of baseball were watching over him, Garren followed the ball with his eyes until he stuck his glove up to meet it. That ball landed right in his glove, with that beautiful echo of a ball hitting a mitt. It was the best sound I had ever heard. Garren was so ecstatic, but so cool about it, he just plucked it out of his glove and threw it back to me. Right back to me. I caught the ball in my glove and threw it back to him. He caught it again. It was no fluke, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, two years later he is finally playing Little League. And my daughter, Abbie, is playing on the same team. She is the only girl on a team of thirteen little hairless boys. If this were a Disney sports movie, she would be the stereotypical female fish-out-of-water character that is at first disregarded by her teammates and dismissed by her coach, only to then impress her coach and teammates with her athletic abilities and woo our hero/team captain with her feminine charm and wily flirtations. Then there’s an awkward pre-teen kiss at the end of the movie, after they’ve pulled together as a team and won the championship.

But we won’t be seeing any such kiss at the end of our baseball season. On our first day of practice Abbie ran to second base without getting tagged by the second baseman, who was holding the ball. The first baseman came running over and said, “He won’t tag you out … because he thinks you’re hot!” Abbie was recounting this story for me, and judging by her face, she is 23% flattered, 67% offended, and 10% confused by these new feelings.

The week before the first game the coach asked if I would be willing to serve as his Assistant Coach. He singled me out, no doubt, because of my expressed interest in the intricacies of America’s greatest pastime, and my unmatched knowledge of the game. You could argue it might have something to do with him asking, “Are there any parents planning to attend all the games?” at which point I raised my hand and he said, “You, Dad, I need you to be an assistant coach.” Then he belched and patted his beer belly. I think we are going to be close friends, Coach Bob and I.

The day of our first game arrived, and we were first up to bat. I took my place on the field as First Base Coach. My job, as it was explained to me, was to stand by First Base and, with league-issued aircraft-landing lights, guide the kids into first base after they hit the ball. I’m kidding of course, my job was never explained to me. Unless you count Coach Bob grunting and pointing at First Base as my explanation. And I do.

I’m not going to lie to you people, my kids are remarkable hitters. Not so much with distance, but with consistency. They have fantastic hand-eye coordination, and as I watched them hit in practice I took comfort in sensing I wouldn’t have any anxiety while watching them bat in a game. That is, until they actually played in a game.

My stomach was in knots as the game started. What have I done? Have I set up my children to fail? Have I set them up for public ridicule? Will this single game cause me thousands of dollars in therapy as they grapple with the emotional harm I’ve incurred upon them at the tender, vulnerable ages of 6 and 8 years old?

My fears were put to rest when Garren stepped up to the plate and immediately knocked out a base hit. He ran up to me at first base and said, “Dad, this is so much fun! Can I play it all year?” He proceeded to run to second, then third. And then Abbie was up to bat. She hit another base hit and ran to first base, while simultaneously allowing her brother to run across home plate. The first run of the season, the first run ever for Garren, made possible by his sister. It will be years before something replaces this moment as one of my Top Favorite Kid Moments.

On the national list of Best First Base Coaches, I’m not sure where I rank. I was stellar at remembering the kids names, giving them high-fives for making it to first base, and removing their batting helmet and handing it off to the next batter without inappropriately mussing up the kid’s hair, as I am wont to do with my own children.

My only weakness made itself known if my own kid was on the field. Many were the times some kid would hit the ball and instead of making eye contact with him and having him follow me in to first base, I would be yelling at Abbie or Garren to run from second to third, or from third to home. The kid batting was suddenly of no interest to me. It could have been a monkey running to first base.

The kids weren’t particularly interested in the score throughout the game, but everyone was excited to have won at the end, a 10 to 4 victory. I felt especially pleased at the outcome. Not necessarily the points, but the fact that my kids felt a little more positive about life, a little more self-assured. Also because I can now put “First Base Coach” on my resume.