Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Without Fail

I was recently visiting with a dear friend of mine at work when I noticed a heavy, metallic plaque situated on the front of her desk.

It read, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

If I KNEW I could not fail? Let’s rock that list, shall we? And I’m just spit-ballin’ here.

  • First, of course, I would hie to Kolob. (In the twinkling of an eye.) (But make no mistake, I would also come back to earth. I’m not done yet.)
  • I would go on ABC’s summer sensation, Wipeout! and win! (And by “win” I obviously mean “take over John Henson’s job.” I think that just looks like a bunch of fun.)  
  • I would maintain a diet so horrific that it would offend the delicate sensitivities of both health enthusiasts and PETA members alike…but I would magically keep a gorgeously svelte physique.
  • Drive my car around without ever having to fill it up with gas, ever again.
  • I would bring MC Hammer back in style.
  • I would bring his pants back in style as well.
  • I would wear MC Hammer pants to church.
  • BASE jump off the Eiffel Tower without a parachute…and live.
  • Go back in time and attend Neil Diamond’s 1972 “Hot August Night” concert at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles, California.
  • Sail around the world in my very own yacht; without having to take lessons or have any idea how to sail or know what I’m doing OR come across any sharks or whales or any animal that makes me nervous. Dolphins are okay, if they maintain a distance of 25 yards, as specified in a contract drawn up by my lawyer.
  • Develop my own island in the Caribbean and call it Awesomeland.
  • Run for President of Awesomeland.
  • Lose the election – because I don’t want to be president of anything.
  • Become Superman, with the added ability of being able to turn invisible.
  • Sentence Martin Lawrence to a lifetime in prison for not being funny.
  • Own exclusive rights to doing impressions of Jack Nicholson, and not allow anyone to do them anymore. Not because I do a good impression of Jack Nicholson; but because I just think it’s enough already, people.  And that goes double for you, Robin Williams.   
  • Receive an Academy Award for Best Abs in a Major Motion Picture.
  • Receive $1,000,000 a month in returns on my investments. Any investments. I really don’t care what investments.
  • Shave once a year.
  • Fly my own jet. Again, no lessons – just instincts. I don’t have time for lessons. And Jason Bourne seems to get by on instincts.
  • Be Jason Bourne. But without the killing. Just mad fighting skills.
  • Replace Bono as lead singer for U2 and be even more adored by the public.
  • Write the “Great American Novel.” Or just the “Great American Bumper Sticker.” Yeah, I’d settle for the bumper sticker thing. (It’s less effort, plus it would allow me some time to actually consider what it means to “not fail at something”….because in my mind, I may or may not truly comprehend the difference between achieving something and receiving super powers.)


Heather said...

I am the first to comment because I KNEW I could not fail on that. Wow, that feels pretty good. Amen to Martin Lawrence and Bono, but sorry I hate Jason Bourne. I do love Neil Diamond though (don't tell my mom). "She's got the way to move me". Blake is laughing over here.=) See you at church, MC Hammer wannabe.

Laura Howe said...

I don't know if you know this, but "dolphins are gay sharks, 'look at me I'm a dolphin'" just sayin.

Kazzy said...

I love your list. Martin Lawrence needs to be incarcerated right now.