Thursday, March 23, 2006

Gold Papered Bologna

It's time for another edition of "When Sentimental Emails Attack!" My commentary can be found in parentheses.
The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper using it to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. [Oh, yes, that old story. I’m sure you are all familiar with it…]

Nevertheless, on Christmas morning the little girl brought the gift box to her father and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. [Because he wasn't so embarrassed that he couldn't ridicule his daughter once again.] He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?" [“It’s like an unwritten law! Have I taught you NOTHING!?"]

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and [taking a cue from The Grinch, she made up a lie, and she made it up quick], "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." [Nice save.] The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around this little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger. [Until the next time she did something unproductive with wrapping paper!]

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later [An accident...or an abusive father? The case is still under investigation.] and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. [On days when he was feeling particularly crappy, he would pull out the box of imaginary guilt that he kept next to the box of imaginary kisses.]

In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and friends. [No, that is a very figurative sense. In a very real sense, we’ve been given boxes that have real Seinfeld Season V and VI DVDs in them.] There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. [Amen to THAT!]

You now have two choices. You can:

* 1- Pass this on to your friends [that you want to stop talking to you] or
* 2- Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. [Third choice, hunt down the person who wrote this drivel and give them a gold-papered box of POO!]

As you can see, I took choice No. 1. [And choice number 3. All in good time…]

Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. [I don’t have any wings. Do YOU have wings? Where are we supposed to get wings? I WANT MY WINGS!] Think positive and act. This is nice finding something positive out of every negative, which we don't always manage to do.

I am thankful....

- For the partner who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else. [There’s one you hear around the Thanksgiving table every year.]
- For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed. [But don’t get to keep all of the money I earn.]
- For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat. [Sounds like you have too much to eat, pal.]
- For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine. [Wow, talk about a stretch.]
- For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning, because it means I have a home. [Or that you are cleaning somebody else’s home.]
- For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech. [But a corrupt government.]
- For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that have been blessed with transportation. [It also means you’ll be getting out of WalMart around April.]
- For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear. [Uhm, no you don’t. It’s all in a pile of dirty laundry.]
- For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard. [And that my wife won’t ask me to help around the house, because hey – I’ve got achy muscles here!]
- For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive. [Because if you wake up later in the morning, you’re dead, as everybody knows.]

- For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me. [And by "thinking of me," I mean "hitting their 'forward' button."]