Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"Ken"fucius Philosophy

You know, you can't believe everything you read. That's why I never do it. I am just too jaded. But I have heard a lot of stuffs lately about our economy and how analysts have officially declared it a national state of "being in the pooper." I even recently heard people mention that we as a country have actually borrowed a ka-jillion dollars (give or take a few cra-fillion) from our neighbors, China. Did you know that? Man. Where was China when I was 18 and wanted to rent a helicopter for prom?

Anyway, I wanted to see if this entire thing was true, so last week I went to China my own darn-self. I went as a representative of my company, SealSource International, but additionally, I was undercover for YOU, my friends. (I will be invoicing you later this week for this service I have provided.)

Here is what I've discovered: We have GOT to pay back China, and I mean right away, because we do NOT want China to be holding this over our heads and thinking they are the boss of us!

Let me paint a picture of what our world would look like if China took over!

Do you know what THIS is?! This is what you'll be doin' your "business" in once China is in charge! Evidently they do not mind the squatting, the burning thighs, or the 92% chance you are going to get unspeakable things on or in your pants. Plus, if you're like me, you are going to get zero reading done if toilets are reduced to this humiliating state. (And as I mentioned earlier, I barely read anyway!)

However, the number one reason we need to pay back the money to China is that if we don't China is going to insist we adapt to a Chinese diet. And you, sitting there with your face full of orange chicken and egg rolls – you can think again if that’s what you’re anticipating being “real” Chinese food. I have been to China, and I have seen the food up close and personal. And that’s not what we’ll be eating.

Yep. That's octopus. 

This may be fine for those of you who already enjoy stewed donkey or peppered bullfrog (Arkansas, I’m looking in your direction), but I cannot subsist on this fare. (Oh sure, this may help with America’s obesity problem, as our lack of desire to eat will leave us all scrawny; but is this really how we want to solve this issue? I think not. I am not familiar with the current political positions on this issue, but the candidate favoring the eating of pig claw will not be receiving my vote. And that’s final.)

Now, for the good news. For those of you living in metropolitan areas, you will most likely become the new Shanghais of the United States – and Shanghai is pretty dang cool. Especially if you currently reside in a Marriott Hotel. The Marriott Hotel in Tomorrow Square, in downtown Shanghai, is nothing short of spectacular. So you New York and Chicago folks, yours will be a smoother transition than the rest of us, once China has taken over. And you cab drivers – congratulations, the change in driving practices will be negligible.  

 The Marriott in Shanghai.

Ladies and gentleman, this is my report. I feel I have presented my case as clear as I am able. Please, trust me. If we don’t pay China back soon, and they begin enforcing a schoolyard sense of justice, things are going to be digestion-ally hideous, metropolitan-ally hip, and transportation-ally comparable to what we’ve got now, if you’re a Hollywood stunt driver.


Kim said...

Thanks for the laugh. You are great.

Terry said...

Those potties could really put a cramp in Katie's birthing style!

Kazzy said...

Oh my. Let's get ahead of them now. I will not eat octopus. No way. No how.

annie valentine said...

You are dead right on. Let me tell you, that cartoon, Kailan, is nothing more than a Chinese conspiracy teaching our children basic words so they can better understand the tanks when they roll through our suburbs.

Ken Craig said...

@Kazzy and @Annie... Thank you. I appreciate your healthy fear of the inevitable. When those tanks roll in, and they are promising "an octopus on every table," we must be strong!

lilcis said...

Was that the toilet in your hotel room? As in, the only option??

I'm never going to China!