Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A St. Patrick's Day Birthday

My birthday happens to fall on St. Patrick’s Day. However, I have precisely zero point zero zero percent Irish blood in me. Got some Scottish and English, but alas, no Irish. (Though I am a fan of Lucky Charms, U2, and of course, this season’s mistletoe – Not Wearing Green, so I can get pinched liberally on the tush all day. It’s tradition!)

So, with having generally nothing in common with this “national holiday,” other than sharing my birthday with it, I wondered if there was something else that might bond me more emotionally to this month. And then it hit me: Celebrity birthdays. Naturally.

Who do I share my birthday month with? Well, how about this for starters: Jon Bon Jovi, Dr. Suess, Bruce Willis, Glenn Close, Elton John, Albert Einstein, William Shatner, Ed McMahon, Shaquille O’Neal, Chaka Khan, Vincent Van Gogh, and Sharon Stone.

Well, quite frankly, none of this came as a surprise to me. If you put 100 celebrities in a line up I would have scrupulously studied them and personally handpicked this exact eclectic cast of misfits as the celebrities most similar to myself. And logically, it’s because we share the same birthday month. You don’t even have to be a certified Psychic Friends Network enthusiast to pick up on that piece of common sense.

Let’s see, me and…

Jon Bon Jovi. Well, the natural conclusion here is that we both give love a bad name (and more than likely it’s because our love is like bad medicine).

Dr. Suess and myself, we’re from the same city
Solla Sollew, a town without pity.
A town where gallopsnorts are 10 cents a gallon
You can fly there at night, in a horse-driven flallon

Bruce Willis and I – and you’ll be just as flabbergasted as me – but we are almost always up for the same roles! It’s uncanny. Even weirder, I almost beat him out for the part in Knock-Knock, Who Dat? You Dead, the final movie in the Die Hard franchise.

Glenn Close. As women, we are both highly unattractive.

Elton John. Elton and I are in agreement that Saturday Night’s All Right for Fighting. But frankly, I’m the one doing most of the fighting. Elton just kind of slaps some people and calls them names. Uncalled for.

Albert Einstein. We both do a pretty funny German accent.

William Shatner. Neither one of us will ever be invited back to a Star Trek convention, thanks to a little incident that, quite candidly, he started. But I finished. Take THAT, Shatner!

Ed McMahon. Funny thing about Ed and I – neither of us could ever decide what we really wanted to do for a living! He was a TV pitchman, a Johnny Carson sidekick, a co-host – and I’ve been in construction, insurance, public relations. We are TOTALLY cut from the same cloth, that Ed and I!

Shaquille O’Neal. Neither one of us has seen his movie Kazaam.

Chaka Khan. We both enjoy singing “I’m Every Woman.” Chaka, for crowds of people, in a stadium, so people can get their groove on. Me, for Katie, in our living room, when I want to make her laugh.

Vincent Van Gogh. We both know how to woo the women. Me, by singing “I’m Every Woman,” and Vinnie, by cutting off his ear.

Sharon Stone. We both refuse to be filmed wearing ladies underwear.

So thank you for the birthday wishes, everybody. I’m thrilled to be 39. Not as thrilled as I was to be, say, 24. But birthday celebrations are always a good time. And for the rest of you, may you enjoy your day of celebratory tushie-pinching!