Friday, February 26, 2010

How to Stay Young & Alienate People

I recently received an email in my In Box that demanded my attention. “Read and be inspired!” it instructed. So, right off the bat, me and this email aren’t getting along because it is not only bossing me around and telling me to do something, but in all it’s Interweb glory, it has the intestinal fortitude to order me to be inspired by its contents. Apparently this Email doesn’t know that I’ve been in email relationships before and been very, very hurt by empty promises of former forwarded emails. I swore I would never fall again. But I took a chance. And once again…I got burned. But in an effort to protect others who might fall hard for this Email, I just wanted to take the opportunity to warn you about her deceitful and cunning ways.

My counter-point comments are in parentheses. (And yes, I have kept the original spelling and grammar of the email I received.)


HOW TO STAY YOUNG [You see – how this Email lures you in?]

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.' [Actually, I pay doctors to fix me; not to worry about my  “nonessential numbers.” Plus, to me, a “nonessential number” would be my bill. Also, I’m not sure why doctors are referred to as “them” in quotation marks. Is that to suggest they are not real “doctors?” That would actually make more sense; because I want to personally guarantee each and every one of you that your real doctor has never in his/her life lost 20 seconds of sleep worrying about your age, weight, or height. They might worry about your height, if part of your exam requires you to play on their intramural basketball team.]

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. [But what if you’re one of the grouches, Email? What. If. You. Are one of the grouches?]

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' [Learning more about computers will not keep you young, Email. Learning more about computers will frustrate you and make you gray or bald, blind, and addicted to something naughty. From what I’ve heard, gardening has the same effect, and that’s why I’m not doing it. Also, an idle mind is not the devil’s workshop. The devil’s workshop is Wal-Mart.]

4. Enjoy the simple things. [Like simple carbohydrates.]

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. [And if you’re reading something called “How to Stay Young” in a desperate attempt to find a cure, chances are it won’t take much for you to laugh until you gasp for breath, you geezer.]

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. [Translation: Suck it up, wus. Keep up this moodiness for much longer and I will classify you as “one of the grouches.” And in case you didn’t read #2, I am currently only surrounding myself with cheerful friends. Pull out of this nosedive you’re in, or we will no longer be hanging out. Feel young yet?]

7. Surround yourself with what you love; whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. [But if you decide to surround yourself with plants; guess what, there is no possible way for you to “stay young.” You are most likely surrounding yourself with cats as well. And vanilla-flavored Ensure.]

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. [Get help from whom? One of those “doctors” that you just dissed in #1? The ones who you have so callously told to keep track of your “nonessential numbers?” Good luck winning them back. You are now blacklisted and they are not talking to you.]

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. [I guess that means cancel my trip to Israel and the Vatican. And to the Hadley’s backyard, where at age 7, I did in fact add “p” to their “ool.”]

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. [In fact, don’t let them get a word in edgewise – to talk about the money you owe them, or that time you forgot to pick them up at the airport, or how inappropriate it was when you urinated off the diving board directly into the Hadley’s pool.] 

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. [Well, doctrinally speaking, I’m not totally sure that either of those numbers actually figure in to the Final Judgment. But I am savvy to the age-old debate between Sting’s philosophy that it comes down to “every breath you take,” or the equally compelling argument from Berlin that you are heaven-bound when you “take my breath away.”]

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? [This is where Email plays coy by pretending her feelings won’t be hurt if you don’t forward her on. Don’t fall victim to this.]  But do share this with someone. [Ah-HA! But it’s too late. And I am ashamed. For I have now shared it with YOU, my dear reader. But I do hope that this has somehow made you feel younger. And also that you’ll still invite me over to swim in your pool, because I have totally got that public tinkling thing under control now.]