Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Inside Scoop

So I was recently checking my email In Box, as I am wont to do from time to time, and was surprised to find a deliciously salacious email from a certain editor at a certain gossip rag. There were also certain legal terms at the bottom of the email, indicating that if I were ever to forward, copy, Etch-a-Sketch, or skywrite the contents of this email for others to read, I would be publicly flogged with a wet noodle, forced to go on Maury and discuss my odd fascination with cryptozoology, and court ordered to spend up to 18 months in jail with nothing to read but Nicholas Sparks’ books. So as you can imagine, I’m treading lightly here. I’m going to speak in code.

The email was from Shmali Shmpuliti, and the magazine was Shmus Shmweekly.

Turns out, Shmali had tracked down my very own Katie, who went to school with (are you sitting down?) JON GOSSELIN! I know!! They went to the same high school! Could you just DIE?! And since I can’t give you the direct quote, I’ll just tell you that Shmali was doggedly earning her paycheck by hunting down any sordid, juicy tidbits about our Jon, the main character of TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8. She boldly came right out and said she was looking for details about “everyone’s favorite reality father.”

Now, you should know that even though I have never watched a single episode of this show, I am as equally offended as you are. What kind of integrity do you have to have to come right out and assume that Jon is everyone’s favorite reality father?! Sincerely! Everyone’s favorite?! What about Ozzy Osbourne? Hm? What about Project Runway’s Tim Gunn (the Father of Fashion – I just made that up)? Or even what about Stanley, from the reality TV show, The Office? “Everyone’s favorite,” indeed. I mock your favoritenessocity, Shmali!

I immediately sat Katie down and demanded to know why she had never shared this information with me before. We’ve been married almost 14 years and she has never once – not once! – brought up the fact that she went to the same high school as Mr. Jon & Katie Plus 8. She claimed she didn’t know who he was then and barely knows who he is now. But I don’t know how I’m supposed to believe her, since she failed to ever bring it up prior to Shmali’s email! I’m no fool!

“Think, Katie!” I said. “It doesn’t matter if you knew him or not – what does Shmus Shmweekly want to know! Here is our chance to get OUR story out there! We should tell Shmali, ‘You know, I do remember Jon. Why, I remember even back then he used to love old episodes of The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family. Also the A-Team. I know there were no large families on that show, but I bring it up as an interesting detail. I don’t know how I didn’t see it then – the man wanted a big family! Scandalamity! Sometimes he also kicked small animals, said the word “crap” a lot, and on more than one occasion I caught him picking his nose in the school parking lot. I’m surprised the TV cameras haven’t picked up more of that stuff on film.’”

Once the word is out on what a reliable and cooperative source of information we are, it will only be a matter of time before we’re approached by the remaining class of sophisticated and refined publications such as Shmpeople,  Shmenquireror, or even  ShmGQ. But don’t look for us in Shmplayboy. That’s not the direction we’re heading. (Even if you just read it for the shmarticles.)