Saturday, April 04, 2009

Not THAT Ken Craig...

I’ve been doing some soul searching lately. And you know what? I’ve come up with nothing. Zilch. Bubkus. I looked under the couch cushions, in the nightstand drawer, under piles of dirty laundry – but no soul to be found. So I tried Google.

Have you ever Googled your name? Fascinating. Have you ever stopped and considered how many other people are out there with YOUR name? Me neither. Because I have far too many other things to worry about. Like why in the world do both Ben AND Jerry feel it is okay to pretend that a pint of their ice cream is four servings? Puh-lease. I’ve seen their pictures, and they, of all people, don’t look like they are overly concerned about serving sizes. Let’s just be honest with ourselves, okay Benjamin and Jerome? A pint is one serving, and it includes 1,749,628 delicious calories. There, I said it. Now eat up and enjoy.

But seriously folks, you should consider patenting your name, because as I recently discovered, you don’t know how others might be misusing it. And the last thing you need is for somebody to come up to you and confuse you for a black Kenneth Craig who coaches track at a local Las Vegas high school and had an inappropriate relationship with a student. I know most people know me well enough and when they hear that story they immediately know it isn’t me.  Because I would never coach track.

Other imposters who are sporting my name and are not me?

Try this gentleman right here on for size.

Ken Craig presents God’s Amazing Plan of Redemption

Now, truth be known, the Plan of Redemption is actually quite important to me. But I didn’t create this website. Plus, if I were going to present God’s Amazing Plan of Redemption, I’d prefer to do it in person. That’s just my style.

How about this fellow, here?

Ken Craig has been involved in World TaeKwon Do Federation style TaeKwon Do since 1991. He holds a 2nd Dan in TaeKwon Do and a 1st Dan in Hapkido. He is the founder of the Triangle TaeKwon Do Club which is located in the heart of the Castro district at the Eureka Valley Community Center, 100 Collingwood Street in San Francisco, California. Classes are held Monday and Friday evenings between 19:30Hrs and 21:30Hrs.

Three ways to know this isn’t me:

  1. I refuse to speak in Military Time (19:30 and 21:30 hrs. What’s up with that?)
  2. I’ve thrown one punch in my lifetime. And it wasn’t in a TaeKwon Do studio.
  3. Is Hapkido a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor? Because if not, I really have no idea what it is.

Here is a Ken Craig I am actually a little envious of.

According to this link, here is the home page where you can view photos, read Ken Craig news, biography and interviews, and … find his movies! Now, before you get too excited (too late?), you should know that in this alternate life, I am merely a Lighting Director. Not necessarily a celebrity. But what an illustrious career – Saturday Night Live, Late Night with David Letterman, Barney & Friends, and Kenan and Kel! I don’t know what happened to myself between Saturday Night Live and Barney & Friends, but somewhere along the lines, I must have really ticked somebody off. Wow. What a demotion.

And finally, my favorite one. Ken Craig Quotes.

Google presented a link to a website that simply said “Ken Craig Quotes.” I was intrigued, because, in full modesty, I will admit that I am a bit of a pontificator. If you’ve heard me wax philosophical on life, you might think to look here for such quotable gems as, “I will gladly give your toys away if you don’t want to pick them up,” or “Do you have any pants that DON’T have a hole in them?”

Alas, this is a website full of quotes by some other Ken Craig. A Ken Craig who is only knowledgeable about The Rolling Stones. A Ken Craig who is not great at giving sound bytes. A Ken Craig who considers this to be a quote: “Umbrellas aren’t permitted, for safety reasons.”

Well, rock on with your bad self, Ken Craig. You tremendous fan of TaeKwon Do, The Rolling Stones, and the Plan of Redemption. You renowned Lighting Director, you. Stand up and be counted. And let’s all agree that we are not inviting that track coach hack to our next club meeting. He gives me the heebie jeebies. (Which would be an awesome name for a new Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor.)