If you were to make a list of all my wonderful strengths and unparalleled abilities, then first of all, I’d like to see that list. But second of all, political savvynessocity wouldn’t be on there. Well, it might, but it would probably be pretty far down that list. Okay, if the list isn’t that long to begin with, then it would probably be at the bottom. But if the list is long (and please, I’d like it to be long), then it would be pretty far down. But not at the bottom. At the bottom would be “Avid reader of Nicholas Sparks books.”
Having said that, I think this should have been the election year I decided to run for president. I can’t help but look at the state of things and think, “Why not me?”
Here is my list of Top 10 things I would do immediately upon being your new president, and moving into the White House.
- I would call Bono and say, “Come to the White House. I’d like to talk about a real solution for forgiving third-world debt.” And then when he arrived, I’d be waiting in the White House Concert Hall, and I’d say, “Just kidding, dude, here’s a guitar, let’s start with “Where the Streets Have No Name,” and play all the way through The Joshua Tree. Where are Edge, Larry, and Adam? I’m pretty sure I told you to bring them.”
- Then, so there were no hard feelings, I’d have the #1 White House Chef make up a mess of bangers n’ mash for dinner. (I hear the Edge loves bangers n’ mash.) And since we’d be hanging out all night, for breakfast the next morning, of course, Lucky Charms.
- Then I would take Air Force One out for a spin. (Not with U2 though, because frankly, they have their own ride, and Air Force One is my time.) Me and my First Lady would spend some time in Fiji, New Zealand, Italy, and the Azores.
- I would throw a ginormous barbecue on the White House Lawn with all my friends, and as kind of a bon voyage party for all the snooty celebrities that had threatened to leave the country if I was elected president. I would convert half of the lawn into a miniature golf course, and the other half into a water slide park. The White House Chefs would be cooking all day (because let’s face it, I’m going to be putting them to work 24/7, as it is only a matter of days before I am impeached.)
- I would have my secretary call Lorne Michaels and arrange for my immediate hosting of Saturday Night Live; and let everyone know that I will be brining some of my own sketches, that I wrote in college. Also I would like them to invite Steve Martin, Tom Hanks, Amy Poehler, and the late Phil Hartman to appear as “special guests.” (Coldplay as musical guests.)
- I would arrange for a private screening at the White House Movie Theater Room of Three Men and a Baby, and hold a discussion about my conspiracy theory of how Steve Guttenberg managed to make so many movies in the 80s.
- I would also arrange for a kind of hybrid game of “Hide and Seek” and “Paintball.” Where legislators and I would put on camouflage and hunt each other throughout the White House. (Think of how many awesome rooms there would be to hide in! … I KNOW!) And if they catch me, then I won’t veto the bill; but if they don’t, then I get to veto whatever I want.
- Since I have never watched a Super Bowl game, then I would of course want to appear at the half time show and perform with The Police. I would play the cowbell, just to mess with people’s minds, and kind to see if I could start a fight between Sting and Stewart Copeland.
- I would constantly be meeting with my publicist and Hollywood folks, who would be working on my biography/movie entitled, Impeachment: My 72 Hours in the White House.
- I would contact Ben & Jerry and insist they create a new flavor named after me. Executive Craig Chip or Craig-o-licious. Presidential Party in Your Mouth. Something. I trust them.
- And as a bonus, I promise a Mix CD in every stereo for every American. (And no, it will not feature Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to Be an American.”)
Perhaps this sounds a little self-serving. A little greedy. A little “drunk on power.” But I assure you, no more so than the dude that you voted for today.