Thursday, June 26, 2008

George Clooney, Where Art Thou?

Well, we have a new winner for “My Most Favorite Website in the Whole World Ever.” The website has magic powers, I tell you. My self-esteem shot up 1,000 awesomeness degrees in one … short … sitting. Why? How could a single website do this? Because, my suspicious friend, this website told me that I am a dead ringer for none other than People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 1997 and 2007 and star of the critically acclaimed Ocean’s 1113 films (I didn’t care so much for 12) … George Clooney!

Well, you can imagine the hubbub this has caused around the Craig Household. Usually when one of our kids does something adorable then Katie quips to me “You’ve got cute kids.” And then I retort, “Because you’re their mom.” But now, when Katie tells me I’ve got cute kids, I respond, “Are you kidding?! Of course I do! Just look at them – attractive, witty, charismatic – like a throwback to old Hollywood! At once both quirky and charming! Why, they could get a table at any restaurant in the valley!” Then Katie kind of looks at me warily and shrugs. I think secretly she wishes I’d never found this website; but she doesn’t admit it, because she knows that later, she’ll be snuggling up with a George Clooney impersonator to watch Seinfeld reruns.

I know it sounds like a glamorous life, being a George Clooney stand-in. But there is actually a lot to consider. For example, while Ken Craig may be prone to leaving used dental floss on the bathroom counter, George Clooney would never dream of such pedestrian behavior. I’ve also had to say goodbye to eating ice cream out of the container and wearing brown shoes with black slacks – like I’m some sort of animal! And finally, I have stopped singing along with the B-52s in my car. (But if you see the real George doing this, please let me know. I really miss belting out “jump in my Chrysler, it’s as big as a whale and it’s about to set SAIL!” And if he’s doing it, then it’s fair game for me. What’s good for the George is good for the gander, as they say in showbiz.) (And if you do see George doing it, please make sure it’s the real George, and not me, his unsanctioned look-a-like. I imagine this is going to be a common occurrence.) 

I should probably come clean at this point and confess that according to this website, I am actually only a 71% match for George Clooney. (The bright side is that leaves 29% wiggle room for some questionable “un-George-like behavior.” Like, I will probably continue to read books in the bathroom. Would George do that? I don’t know; but, my 29% guarantees that I will.)

In addition to being 71% Mr. Clooney, I am also 75% Matthew Perry, 72% Julio Iglesias, and 70% Christopher Reeve. I’m no mathematician, but if I’ve got my numbers correct, I am apparently a 288% witty, Spanish, leading man who can fly and confidently wear red and blue tights in public.

I am also a 74% twin of … Mira Sorvino. You are probably thinking the same thing I did when I saw this; that is, would George Clooney even date Mira Sorvino? Are they the same caliber celebrity? I say probably not; but that is the complexity and dichotomy of being a celebrity melting pot like myself.

If you have any questions, I’ll be at the local Hollywood Video signing DVDs of Ocean’s 11 and 13. (Let's pretend I was never involved in 12.)