Saturday, June 30, 2007

You Say Tomato, I Say Tomato.

I think to the average passersby I probably come across quite casual. A fairly mellow individual. Not easily ruffled. Ah, but there is the rub. I do have one, intrinsic weakness. My kryptonite, if you will. Unless you want to see me come completely unglued, do not, under any circumstances, start a conversation with me by saying, “You know, the tomato is actually a fruit.”

Really. Really? REALLY?! Are you kidding me with this?! Been cutting up a lot of tomatoes lately to mix into your fruit salad? Nothing like watermelon, banana, and tomato all mixed in together in a nice fruit mélange, right? Perhaps in a parfait? A Jell-o? People, please. The tomato is the classic garden vegetable. Ever heard of V8? Did you know on the can it says “V8, 100% Vegetable Juice.” Guess what – 87% of V8’s vegetable juice is tomato juice, folks. So don’t let’s start mixing up our produce categories. Okay?

Truth be known, it’s not just the tomato/fruit thing. I have zero tolerance for any of these newfangled definitions trying to change the face of whatever it is we’ve come to know and categorize. Making vegetables into fruits and fruits into vegetables.

You know yesterday at work someone had the audacity to tell me that a peanut isn’t actually a nut at all? “Technically it’s a legume,” he said. “Well, technically you’re going to need to make an appointment at the orthodontist,” I answered, “Because I am going to kick your teeth in!” It says “nut” in the name! Pea-NUT! I have never – NEVER – seen a Planter’s Mix Nuts & Legumes can. I don’t believe one exists. Legume M&Ms anyone? Nothing quite like the All-American Sandwich: Legume Butter & Jelly on white bread! (Or is white bread not officially a “bread” anymore? Anyone want to step up and have this discussion with me? No, I thought not.)