Carpe What, Now?

I don’t like to get on my pedestal and publicly shame people, but I feel a moral obligation to say something here. (Also, I actually do kind of like getting on my pedestal and publicly shaming people. But only if they sit silently and let me do it. I don’t like confrontation.)

As a society, we are constantly bombarded with the diatribe of “living each day as if it were your last.” Columnists, pop singers, new-age psychologists, tattoo artists…they all think they’re some kind of “made-you-think” poets with this line. But I find this philosophy to be – how do I put this delicately? – a compost pile.

Let me paint a picture for you of what would actually happen if I lived each day as if it were my last.

1. I would be fired. Because guess what – if it’s my last day alive, I’m ditching work that day. And sometime around, oh, day 2 of me still being alive but not showing up to work, my boss would probably call. “Uhm – are you coming in today?” “Sorry, Boss. I’m living each day as if it were my last. I won’t be in.” “Uh-huh. Well, ya hippy freak, to me, today IS your last day.”

2. I would weigh precisely 500 pounds. If I know it’s my last day on earth, I am eating Crunch Berries and Chocodiles for breakfast, two rib-eye sandwiches for lunch, and a Tommy’s Burger for dinner. Five pints of Haagen-Dazs for dessert. Now, that’s a dangerous way to conduct your diet for one day; but if it just so happens to not be my last day on the planet? Well, things are going to quickly get uncomfortable and, digestionally-speaking, unpleasant for me and everyone around me.

3. My family would hate me. Imagine your child or parent calling you daily and saying, “I’m sorry to tell you this – but I’m dying. These are my final hours, and I just wanted to call and tell you how much I love you. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. I will miss you.” Emotional havoc ensues. Everybody is a big, weepy mess…until the next day. And the next. And the next. Then your phone call eventually receives a response like this: “There are no powers on heaven or earth that will stop me from coming over there this instant and removing any doubt that you will be taking your last breath today.”

4. Any material comforts would soon be gone – why pay my mortgage or gas bill? “Hi, Mr. Craig? This is Nevada Energy. I’m afraid we’re going to have to shut off your electricity if you don’t pay your bill today.” “Oh, do your worst. The joke’s on you! I’ll be dead tomorrow!”

5. I’d be making some powerful enemies, telling certain people exactly what I think of them. Starting with Nevada Energy, but moving on to people who set the gas prices, customer service at APX Alarm, Bill Maher, and Oprah Winfrey.

My final point to this nonsensical advice of living as if you were dying is this: H.H. Morant famously said, “Live each day like it’s your last and someday, you’ll be right.” Really H.H.? You do recognize that all those days leading up to that tragic day are days you’ll be wrong, don’t you? What kind of faulty reasoning is THAT? If you are so desperate to be right about something, why not choose an event that you would be excited about? “Live each day in your pajamas, because someday, you won’t have to go outside.” Now you’re on to something. Have Dr. Phil tattoo that on your lower back, Tim McGraw!

How to Stay Young & Alienate People

I recently received an email in my In Box that demanded my attention. “Read and be inspired!” it instructed. So, right off the bat, me and this email aren’t getting along because it is not only bossing me around and telling me to do something, but in all it’s Interweb glory, it has the intestinal fortitude to order me to be inspired by its contents. Apparently this Email doesn’t know that I’ve been in email relationships before and been very, very hurt by empty promises of former forwarded emails. I swore I would never fall again. But I took a chance. And once again…I got burned. But in an effort to protect others who might fall hard for this Email, I just wanted to take the opportunity to warn you about her deceitful and cunning ways.

My counter-point comments are in parentheses. (And yes, I have kept the original spelling and grammar of the email I received.)

***

HOW TO STAY YOUNG [You see – how this Email lures you in?]

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.' [Actually, I pay doctors to fix me; not to worry about my  “nonessential numbers.” Plus, to me, a “nonessential number” would be my bill. Also, I’m not sure why doctors are referred to as “them” in quotation marks. Is that to suggest they are not real “doctors?” That would actually make more sense; because I want to personally guarantee each and every one of you that your real doctor has never in his/her life lost 20 seconds of sleep worrying about your age, weight, or height. They might worry about your height, if part of your exam requires you to play on their intramural basketball team.]

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. [But what if you’re one of the grouches, Email? What. If. You. Are one of the grouches?]

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' [Learning more about computers will not keep you young, Email. Learning more about computers will frustrate you and make you gray or bald, blind, and addicted to something naughty. From what I’ve heard, gardening has the same effect, and that’s why I’m not doing it. Also, an idle mind is not the devil’s workshop. The devil’s workshop is Wal-Mart.]

4. Enjoy the simple things. [Like simple carbohydrates.]

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. [And if you’re reading something called “How to Stay Young” in a desperate attempt to find a cure, chances are it won’t take much for you to laugh until you gasp for breath, you geezer.]

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. [Translation: Suck it up, wus. Keep up this moodiness for much longer and I will classify you as “one of the grouches.” And in case you didn’t read #2, I am currently only surrounding myself with cheerful friends. Pull out of this nosedive you’re in, or we will no longer be hanging out. Feel young yet?]

7. Surround yourself with what you love; whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. [But if you decide to surround yourself with plants; guess what, there is no possible way for you to “stay young.” You are most likely surrounding yourself with cats as well. And vanilla-flavored Ensure.]

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. [Get help from whom? One of those “doctors” that you just dissed in #1? The ones who you have so callously told to keep track of your “nonessential numbers?” Good luck winning them back. You are now blacklisted and they are not talking to you.]

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. [I guess that means cancel my trip to Israel and the Vatican. And to the Hadley’s backyard, where at age 7, I did in fact add “p” to their “ool.”]

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. [In fact, don’t let them get a word in edgewise – to talk about the money you owe them, or that time you forgot to pick them up at the airport, or how inappropriate it was when you urinated off the diving board directly into the Hadley’s pool.] 

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. [Well, doctrinally speaking, I’m not totally sure that either of those numbers actually figure in to the Final Judgment. But I am savvy to the age-old debate between Sting’s philosophy that it comes down to “every breath you take,” or the equally compelling argument from Berlin that you are heaven-bound when you “take my breath away.”]

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? [This is where Email plays coy by pretending her feelings won’t be hurt if you don’t forward her on. Don’t fall victim to this.]  But do share this with someone. [Ah-HA! But it’s too late. And I am ashamed. For I have now shared it with YOU, my dear reader. But I do hope that this has somehow made you feel younger. And also that you’ll still invite me over to swim in your pool, because I have totally got that public tinkling thing under control now.]

Questions & Answers

Over the weekend I received the most spectacular email. It was a fascinating read, and gave me great pause as I reflected on its intriguing exterior and deeper assertion. I was initially unprepared for such a complex, philosophical investigation and soul searching inquiries as these; yet as I read this long list of personal questions, each one probing further into my unpremeditated thoughts, I couldn’t help but to respond with instinctive honesty and audacious truth.

And here are my responses:

1. First Name: What do you want it to be? (OK, it’s Ken)             

2. Were you named after anyone? My pops.

3. Do you wish on stars? Well, if by “star” you mean celebrity, then yes I have. I once wished Jennifer Lopez would stop making movies.

4. When did you last cry? At the end of Indiana Jones 4. So disappointed, I wept.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Meh. Not really.

6. What is your favorite lunchmeat?  Pizza.

7. What is your birth date? March 17.

8. What is your most embarrassing CD?  Well, I do own Neil Diamond’s “The Jazz Singer.” But I will go on record that I am in fact NOT embarrassed about it. I am slightly embarrassed about my TV Theme Songs CD. That is, until the Golden Girls theme song comes on, because really, if you did in fact throw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me. (And the card attached would say “Thank you for being a friend.”)

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yeah, I think I would. But mostly so that I could hang around Katie.

10. Are you a daredevil? Oh, heavens yes. This one time I ate ice cream AFTER 10 p.m.! Oh, that went right to the thighs. I just threw caution to the wind on that one. But I’m crazy like that.

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?  No, my friend.  Your secret is still safe with me. (Wink, wink.)

12. Do looks matter? Well, mine do.

13. How do you release anger?  I make out my “People to Whack” list and hand it over to my mob friends. 

14. Where is your second home?   The car.

15. Do you trust others easily? Why? What are you getting at? What is this for? Who else knows about this?

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Star Wars figures.

17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Yes.

18. Do you have a journal?  I do, but I never use it, as I can’t read or write. I don’t even know how I’m completing this survey.

19. Do you use sarcasm a lot?  I use sarcasm exclusively.

20. What are your nicknames?   Craigles, Kenfusion, Keneroni, KC, Kenji, Kentacular. (Most of these I just made up. But I didn’t want to look un-cool by not having nicknames.)

21. Would you bungee jump?  When I was younger, I did bungee jump. I also skydived, parasailed, and occasionally would break dance. Because before you have children, you are immortal and pretty sure nothing bad will ever happen to you. I have since learned NOT to publicly break dance. (Or do any of those other things.)

22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Shoes?

23. Do you think that you are strong? Odor-wise…or…what?

24. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Just put it in front of me.

25. Shoe Size? 10.5 in Men’s (Or 23 in Boy’s)

26. Red or pink? Red or pink what?

27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Hmmm, let’s see. Uhm…gee, I dunno. Well, there’s my…no, that’s not it. Oh, I know – nah, that’s not a good one. Well, there’s always…nope. Hmm. Oh, now I remember – my indecisiveness.

28. Who do you miss most? Sunday afternoon naps.

29. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Black shoes, no pants (Scottish kilt.)

30. What are you listening to right now? My tummy. It’s saying “more ice cream.”

31. Last thing you ate? Well, I’m trying to eat healthier. So I had a bowl of steamed vegetables. With ice cream.  

32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? An oak. Oh, wait, that’s if I were a tree.

33. What is the weather like right now?  It’s like Las Vegas.

34. Last person you talked to on the phone? Katie.

35. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? That they are more attractive than men.

36. Favorite Drink? Strawberry lemonade. What? It is TOO a manly drink!

37. Favorite Sport? Trying to find the car keys. I guess it isn’t my favorite, really, but it’s the one I end up playing more than any other sport. 

38. Hair Color?  I’m a natural brown. (and grey)

39. Eye Color? Brown (and white)

40. Do you wear contacts? Nope.

41. Favorite Food? Yes it is.

42. Last Movie You Watched? Enchanted.

43. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings?  Can’t we all just get along?

44. Summer Or Winter? May through December is where it’s at, for me.

45. Hugs OR Kisses?  Now slow down there, sweetheart.

46. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Why don’t you just ask me to choose my favorite child while you’re at it?

47. Living Arrangements? I make Katie happy, and I get to live with her.

48. What Books Are You Reading?  The TV Guide. It’s FASCINATING!

49. What's On Your Mouse Pad?  Uhmmm…looks like ketchup stains.

50. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Nothing.

51. Favorite Smells? The beach. Clean laundry.  

52. Favorite Sounds? Ed McMahan’s voice. “Mr. Craig, you just won $1 Million!”

53. Rolling Stones or Beatles? U2

54. Do you believe in Evolution or Creation? Does anyone really believe in evolution? I mean…REALLY? Do they also believe in goblins, the boogeyman, and taxes?

55. What's the furthest you've been from home? Israel.

56. What is your pet-peeve? People asking me what I like most about myself.

57. What do you like the most about yourself?  Oh, you are KILLING ME!

58. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? I would change it so that I could FLY! 

59. Who is your make-believe hero and living hero? Well, I believe that the children are our future and that the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself.

60. If you could teach one thing to the world, what would it be? I'd like to teach the world to send me money so that I wouldn’t have to work for a living, but rather spend my days becoming a world-traveler and famous writer. And work on my tan.

Okay, now that I’m done with your interrogation, I’D like to ask some questions. That’s right, the tables have turned. Now I’M holding the proverbial conch. And this is what I want. I want to do a Roll Call of sorts, here. I want to know who’s out there. Who is reading The Craig Report? Anybody? Just the original 5 college friends who signed a contract with me that we would all start a blog at the same time? Just family? Long lost friends? Did we date in high school? Did you laugh at me while I played Water Polo? They MADE us wear Speedos, you know! It wasn’t MY choice!

I’m just intrigued by the idea of seeing if anyone is out there, and who they might be. And in order to sound compLETELY narcissistic about this, I will also be offering a free autographed photo of myself to anybody who leaves a comment! That’s right, I ‘m opening this post for comments! (Just click on the "comments" button on the bottom!)

Let me know: Are you out there? Do YOU have a blog I should be reading? How did you find The Craig Report? Are we friends? Do we know the same people? Is there anything I can do for you? Do you have any recommendations for baby names? Are you as personally offended as I am at the price of gas? 

Gold Papered Bologna

It's time for another edition of "When Sentimental Emails Attack!" My commentary can be found in parentheses.
***
The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper using it to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. [Oh, yes, that old story. I’m sure you are all familiar with it…]

Nevertheless, on Christmas morning the little girl brought the gift box to her father and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. [Because he wasn't so embarrassed that he couldn't ridicule his daughter once again.] He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?" [“It’s like an unwritten law! Have I taught you NOTHING!?"]

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and [taking a cue from The Grinch, she made up a lie, and she made it up quick], "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." [Nice save.] The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around this little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger. [Until the next time she did something unproductive with wrapping paper!]

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later [An accident...or an abusive father? The case is still under investigation.] and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. [On days when he was feeling particularly crappy, he would pull out the box of imaginary guilt that he kept next to the box of imaginary kisses.]

In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and friends. [No, that is a very figurative sense. In a very real sense, we’ve been given boxes that have real Seinfeld Season V and VI DVDs in them.] There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. [Amen to THAT!]

You now have two choices. You can:

* 1- Pass this on to your friends [that you want to stop talking to you] or
* 2- Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. [Third choice, hunt down the person who wrote this drivel and give them a gold-papered box of POO!]

As you can see, I took choice No. 1. [And choice number 3. All in good time…]

Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. [I don’t have any wings. Do YOU have wings? Where are we supposed to get wings? I WANT MY WINGS!] Think positive and act. This is nice finding something positive out of every negative, which we don't always manage to do.

I am thankful....

- For the partner who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else. [There’s one you hear around the Thanksgiving table every year.]
- For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed. [But don’t get to keep all of the money I earn.]
- For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat. [Sounds like you have too much to eat, pal.]
- For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine. [Wow, talk about a stretch.]
- For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning, because it means I have a home. [Or that you are cleaning somebody else’s home.]
- For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech. [But a corrupt government.]
- For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that have been blessed with transportation. [It also means you’ll be getting out of WalMart around April.]
- For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear. [Uhm, no you don’t. It’s all in a pile of dirty laundry.]
- For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard. [And that my wife won’t ask me to help around the house, because hey – I’ve got achy muscles here!]
- For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive. [Because if you wake up later in the morning, you’re dead, as everybody knows.]

AND FINALLY...
- For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me. [And by "thinking of me," I mean "hitting their 'forward' button."]

Heaven's Grocery Store

I think by most accounts I’m a pretty sentimental guy. I remember birthdays and anniversaries, I get choked up when I watch my kids do something new and amazing, and I know all the words to several songs off my Power Ballads of the 80s CD. But I’ll tell you where I draw the line, friend. Those uber-schmaltzy “faith promoting” emails that find their way into my email inbox time and time again.

You want I should give you an example? Here is a gem I recently came across. My thoughts can be found in parentheses:

Heaven’s Grocery Store

As I was walking down life’s highway, many years ago,
I came upon a sign that read Heaven’s Grocery Store.
[Hey, I think my mom used to shop there. Isn’t that the one next to the Food 4 Less?]

When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to, I was standing inside.
I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere.
One handed me a basket and said,
“My child shop with care.” [“There’s a spill over on aisle 8.”]

Every thing a human needed was in that grocery store.
And what you could not carry you could come back for more.
[Hey…like a REAL grocery store! I think this analogy may be on to something…]

First I got some Patience. [I must be out myself, ‘cause this is where I lost interest.]
Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding,
You need that everywhere you go. [To put up with people who insist on sending these emails.]

I got a box or two of Wisdom, and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course, I would need some of that too.
[This guy is some kind of poetic genius, rhyming “two” with “too.”]

I couldn’t miss the Holy Ghost, it was all over the place.
[Knocking items off shelves, “sampling” fruit off the stand.]
And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race. [And finish this “poem.”]
My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace.

And then I chose Salvation, for Salvation was free.
[Sure, free is good. But throw in a box of Zingers, and then you really got somethin’.]
I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.
[Yes, of course, you can always borrow somebody else’s Salvation. Like milk. “Can I borrow a cup of Salvation?” “Oh, I picked you up a whole gallon when I was down at Heaven’s Grocery Store.” “Why, thank you! Is that the one next to Food 4 Less?”]

Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
For I thought I had everything to do the Master’s will.

As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,
For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.
[I left it running, with the key in the ignition.]

Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last thing on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.
[Hey! What about the rest of us? Sure, pick me up some free Salvation, but then keep all the Song and Praise for yourself! Why didn’t you get any Generosity, you selfish, selfish person.]

The I said to the angel, “How much do I owe?”
He smiled and said [“I’m sorry, my shift just ended…”]
“Just take them with you everywhere you go.”

And again I asked, “Really now, how much do I owe?” [I simply INSIST on paying ALL of my bills. I absolutely hate it when people try to let me off the hook.]

“My child,” he said, “God paid your bill a long, long time ago.”

This poem has been sent to you with love and for good luck. It originated in the Netherlands and has been around the world 9 times. [So that makes it more true.] The luck has now come to you and you will receive good luck in the mail within six days of receiving this letter, providing you send it out to someone else. Do not send money as this message has no price. [No price? How about the cost of 20 seconds of my life that I’ll never get back, in addition to a tiny slice of my soul.]

Do not keep this letter but send it on to someone who needs good luck. Of course, “good luck” is just another way of saying “blessings.” [That’s why you always get “good luck” by being obedient to commandments and “blessings” when you’re at the craps table.] Send five copies within 90 hours of reading this and see what happens in six days.

So if you are ever shopping at Heaven’s Grocery Store, and we bump into each other in the Charity aisle, and they are having a two-for-one sale on Longsuffering, and you see me filling my cart…please don’t judge. I need all the help I can get.

[P.S. So I’m perpetuating this email by posting it on my blog. And with any luck (or blessing), that good luck I’ll be receiving in the mail within six days will be Power Ballads of the 80s, Volume 2.]