Kid Praise

Normally, I’m pretty skeptical about any new-age pop-psychology mumbo jumbo slapped onto a magnet and strategically placed front and center on a refrigerator. However I recently came across one such attention-grabbing public notice, and I have to admit, I was intrigued.

It read: 101 Ways to Praise Kids.

It was produced by some company that goes by the name of Nannies & Housekeepers U.S.A. At first I was discouraged, as it appeared that it was something solely created for nannies, which we don’t have because a) we don’t have the money, and b) there is only one Mary Poppins, and I don’t think she’s available. But although it was targeted at nannies, I couldn’t help wonder if it might work for parents too, as they sometimes interact with their own children as well.

I gave it a shot.

I’ve carried it around in my pocket for a week now, and I’ve really noticed a difference in my children’s confidence. Used to be that when they ran up to tell me something or had accomplished something, I just didn’t know how to react. But now I do!

I tried it out on Abbie first.

Abbie: Dad, I made 8 loaves of bread today.

Me: (Scanning the card for the right thing to say) You’re a pleasure to know!  (Nailed it.)

Connor: Dad, I drew this picture for you.

Me: What a great listener!

Tanner: Dad, I had an accident when I couldn’t climb up on the toilet fast enough.

Me: You’ve earned my respect!

Becca: Pffffpts.

Me: Thanks for caring!

Garren: Dad, in Cub Scouts we talked about coin collections.

Me: The time you put in really shows!

Roxanna: (And I wish I were making this one up…) Dad, listen to the song I memorized from West Side Story! “My daddy beats my mommy; my mommy clobbers me; my grandpa is a commie; my grandma pushes tea; my sister wears a mustache; my brother wears a dress! Goodness! Gracious! That’s why I’m a mess!”

Me: Class act!

So, turns out, as you can plainly see, that sometimes this stuff really works! I can really tell a difference in my children’s attitudes. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that if this parenting thing doesn’t work out, I could totally be a nanny. Kenny Poppins. 

No. 1 Juror

So, please don’t be jealous, but earlier this week, my county needed me, and – that’s right – I answered the call. Recognizing I was highly sought after, and quick to respond to the cry of justice, I carefully tore along the calculated, perforated lines of my jury duty summons. 

No sooner had I read through the form letter when I noticed that this letter contained both blue AND red ink! Clearly, this was of utmost importance. I called Katie over and sat her down on the couch. I wasn’t entirely sure of how I was going to explain this to her. I mean, after 13 years of marriage, I’m sure she thought she knew everything there was to know about me. But how could she know that my sense of justice and mercy was so acute, that our nation’s court system (well, our county’s court system, but I digress) was not only hanging by a thread – but a thread that I held in the palm of my hand?

Thankfully, she was supportive. In fact, she almost acted like it wasn’t a big deal. She kind of brushed it off and went back to making dinner. SO BRAVE, my little Katie.

As you can imagine, I had a lot of preparing to do. I quickly went to Barnes & Noble and bought all the Grisham they had. (I was going to just go to the county library for the books, but – call me a conspiracy theorist – county library, county court? I’m sure they are in cahoots. Just seemed better to avoid the situation. That is exactly how they trip you up.)

I also rented the Pauley Shore film noir, Jury Duty, and studied the process, so as to not miss a single nuance. I couldn’t follow it initially; but after the third viewing, I began piecing it together. Brilliant.

I then decided to make an iPod mix of court room music. But all I could think of was the theme music from Law & Order. So I just looped it and carry it with me wherever I go. I walk with more purpose, now. But not necessarily a quicker walk, because then my iPod earpiece keeps falling out.

And finally, I began using lines from courtroom dramas, and other such trash talk. And this has really helped. For example, when I drive up to the ATM and it says it’s “Out of Order,” I scream, “No, YOU’RE out of order! This whole BANK is out of order!” And sometimes, at my day job (insurance), I have clients who ask, “Do you think I have enough insurance, honestly?” And I have to answer, “You can’t HANDLE my honesty!” And then, just for good measure, when my kids promise me good behavior so that I will do some favor for them, I say, “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash!”

And, well, thanks to all my preparation, I have actually been invited to “call backs” (courtroom/theater speak) for this very high profile case. I wish I could tell you about it; but my ability to keep secrets is probably another reason my county sought me out as they did. And I can’t turn my back on them now. They need me. Plus this may be my only opportunity to ever do my Samuel L. Jackson’s, “Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in he@#!”