It's Always Nice to Meet a Fan

During dinner last night (Indian Chicken Masala with rice, if you’re curious), my precocious and seemingly full-grown 11-year old daughter, Abbie, casually throws out, “Oh, Dad, by the way, I finished reading your blog today.”

(Cue me coughing chicken masala out my nose.)

“(Cough, cough) My blog?”

“Yep.”

“How did you find it?”

“Uhm (read: Duh!) – it’s on the Internet. Anybody can read it.”

“Yes, but … why are you reading it?”

“I wanted to see what you write about.”

“You mean you read the last thing I wrote?”

“No, your whole blog. From the beginning.”

(My brain begins to scan 3+ years of writing, filtering out topics I would not want my children to read about.)

“You read about when I took the boys from church to the morgue?”

“That was funny.”

“You read about when we tried to breed your guinea pig?”

“Yeah…I didn’t get that one.”

“You read about when I sing inappropriate songs to Mom?”

“(Stone faced, looking down at her plate) I don’t want to talk about that one.”

So, my daughter has read my blog…hehehe…isn’t that sweet…hehehe…that’s just adorable…hehehe…WHAT?! What are you so nervous about? Just calm down. Everything will be fine. Every child should read about their parent driving naked. So my daughter reads my blog, so what? Who cares? It’s fine. She is welcome to read anytime. I hope she reads this one!

Anyway, on a totally unrelated note, did I ever tell you guys about the time between the ages of 12 and 22 when I was completely obedient to everything my parents ever told me to do? No? I haven’t told you that story yet? Odd. Well, that’s probably because I have been too busy reading scriptures and helping old women cross the street. That takes up a lot of my time lately. But that’s just me. Always looking to choose the right. Always conscious of the example I’m setting. Always writing about private things on the Internet, where anybody can read them, including people in my own house. 

I'm a Birthday Boy

I don’t know if you saw the CNN coverage, but I’m 38 years old today.

On a scale of 1 to 10, my Freak-Out-O-Meter is registering about a 6.3. (Above average, but no pandemonium.) I’m certainly not old, but I can also no longer comfortably eat six doughnuts before I sit down to my birthday cake*.

(*True story, 1995.)

By all outward signs, I should be 38. I’ve been married 13.5 years, I’ve got six kids, a mortgage, a standing racquetball game three times a week, a mini-van, a lawn mower, a nostalgic streak, black and grey peppered hair, a tendency to fall asleep on the couch, and friends that have known me through decades now and can vouch for my age.

But sometimes, I have to be honest, I’m not sure how I got here so quickly.

And while it doesn’t feel like I should already have arrived at 38, I will freely admit that my life is better than anything I could have scripted in my youth. Better than I deserve, certainly.

Still. As formulaic and banal as it may be, on my birthday I tend to reflect. I take inventory of my life’s experiences. And while talking with a co-worker today who was trying to convince me that getting older was no big deal, she had the audacity to ask me, “But really, if you were to do it over again, you wouldn’t change anything in your life, would you? You don’t have any regrets.”

Oh, no? Look, sister, don’t tell ME I don’t have any regrets! Here are my top 10.

1. In 1988, when I jumped backwards out of a tree and forever obliterated my back. Yeah, I think if I were to do it over, I would skip that part.
2. I saw Superman III in the theater. Twice. I think once would have sufficed. If that.
3. I lived on Molokai my senior year of high school. If I could go back, I would go to the beach every…single…day.
4. I’d take piano lessons. I’d start at age 5.
5. I’d skip junior high entirely.
6. I ate a piece of pumpkin pie when I was home from college for Christmas in 1992, got food poisoning, and spend several days of my Christmas break vomiting. Joy to the world. If I could go back, I would take a slice of the apple pie instead.
7. I had an internship at NBC in Burbank, California just before I graduated college. They offered me a position. I didn’t take it. I think I would.
8. Katie and I met in a comedy troupe during college, where we performed improvisations. We were in an improv together one night, before we were dating, and a moment came when I really should have kissed her. The scene was perfect for it, the audience cheered it on, but I backed out of it. (A girl I was dating was sitting in the audience and would have come unglued.) If I were to go back, I would kiss her so good it would curl her toes.
9. I was once driving too fast on a wet, slick curve and rolled our family’s van. If I could go back, I’d slow down.
10. Once on a waterskiing trip a bunch of us were riding on one of those banana rafts, being pulled behind the boat. I threw my leg over the raft to pull myself up, and when I did, I kicked my mom in the eye and shattered her contact while it was still in her eye. I felt awful for a long, long time after that. I remember sitting in the boat watching my dad pull the broken pieces of contact out of my mom’s eye. I also remember thinking, “I bet puberty would have been great,” because I was pretty sure my dad was going to kill me right then. We had some friends from church with us on that trip. If I could go back, I’d kick one of them in the eye instead. Or I suppose I could kick nobody in the eye. Either one, but certainly not my mom!

If You Like Movies, You'll Love Moving Furniture!

Get ready for the game sensation that is sweeping the nation!*

(*Please note, this game has yet to sweep this or any nation. But when it does, I would like full copyright benefits. Also, I would like it to be called Ken’s Movie Game. Catchy, right? Well, I got my degree in advertising – so yep, I know some things.)

Back in 1996, my friend Steve and I were coerced by our wives into attending some sort of “party.” (Think Amway, but with make-up.) I don’t remember the entire theme, but I do remember at one point both of us soaking our fingers in adjoining bowls, in preparation for manicures. I can’t say it was my proudest moment, but Steve and I had been friends since before puberty, so it wasn’t the first time we’d found ourselves in a situation that would never be discussed afterwards. (Like the time we decidedly kicked a fellow Scouter out of our tent at Scout Camp, so a younger Scouter with a much more attractive sister could stay in our tent and tell us about what she might be looking for in a rugged, almost-Eagle Scout. That was probably the least talked about incident, pre-manicure.)

Anyway, we started talking about movie previews. And then we started talking about how often you see a tag line on a poster or preview that says:

If you liked _____, you’ll love ______.

You’ve seen them.

“If you liked Rocky, you’ll love Hoosiers…”
“If you liked Pretty Woman, you’ll love Green Card…” 

“If you liked Airplane!, you’ll love The Naked Gun…”

And so forth.

So out of awkward moment of pampering, a game was created where we would try to come up with movie tag lines that connected two movies in name only (or a nebulous association), but not really in any other similarities. In other words, the movies had to have a similar word in the title, but would actually be almost polar opposite in subject.

Steve had the first one:

If you liked Dirty Dancing, you’ll love Dances with Wolves.

It took off from there.

If you liked Pretty Woman, you'll love Little Women
If you liked Sleepless in Seattle, you'll love Sleeping with the Enemy 

If you liked Fight Club, you'll love The Joy Luck Club

Now, player beware. Sometimes you will think of titles that actually are similar in name and subject, and I won’t be there to referee in person, but you should know that that just doesn’t work. Example: If you liked Superman Returns, you’ll love Batman Returns. (If you actually liked one of these movies, you would probably like the other. So it’s true, not funny. Thus, no points. More appropriately would be: If you liked Superman Returns, you’ll love Max Dugan Returns. I think we’ve all learned a very valuable lesson here. Way to dodge that bullet!)

Now, once you are comfortable at this level, you are ready to introduce a new rule. That of the connection being more imprecise. Instead of just sharing a word in the title, it might be a shared syllable only. Or a shared theme.

If you liked Dumbo, you’ll love Rambo
If you liked Philadelphia, you'll love Fargo 

If you liked The Postman, you'll love The Cable Guy 

If you liked The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, you'll love The Good, The Bad and The Ugly 

If you liked You Got Served, you'll love You've Got Mail

One final note, when you are playing this verbally, you have to say it with as much conviction and excitement as a movie announcer would. Like you are just SO SURE that If you liked Mystic River, you’ll love Mystic Pizza!

So please enjoy this new game! If you are playing with a fellow movie aficionado, the two of you will have a great time. I would like to give a shout out to my favorite game players: Katie, Steve (the original co-creator), Chris C., Jennifer V., and my good friend, Mike C., who recently reminded me of this game, and is exceptional at it. 

If you liked The Godfather, you’ll love Father of the Bride!
If you liked Apocalypse Now, you’ll love Look Who’s Talking Now! 

If you liked Lilo & Stitch, you’ll love Thelma & Louise! 

If you liked Slumdog Millionaire, you’ll love Brewster’s Millions!

You got any? Leave a comment.