Dr. Schulze, I Presume...

Allow me to introduce you to Dr. Richard Schulze, a botanical pharmacist who approaches healing and overall well-being with herbs. This is a man who believes in natural remedies. A man who snubs western medicine. A man who inadvertently promotes himself in the most obnoxious of ways.

Truth be known, I’m fine with his natural healing mode of thinking. I don’t take a great deal of medication or chemicals for my health. I don’t get the flu shot, I don’t take antibiotics for viral illnesses, and I don’t chew aspirin when I’m out of gum. But I’m no Dr. Schulze. I think if I ever met this man, I would slap him senseless, with herbs falling out of every one of his orifices as I slapped him.

See, his theories on health issues are fine, but he offends me in two ways. The first is his advertising. Any piece of promotional material you receive from Dr. Schulze, be it a brochure, his website, or I imagine even a text message, is written in about 18 different fonts, giving the impression that he is YELLING AT YOU, emphasizing every … single … written … word, or pretending that every other sentence is the key sentence to his theory. This has lead me to believe his personality is very loud and that he believes there is not a whole lot that he doesn’t already know about almost everything.

You may feel that I am unfairly labeling Dr. Schulze, and you may have a point. But the second (and greater) offense is not only a more serious accusation, but I have proof to back me up. Ladies and gentleman, I give you…horrible tasting herbs.

So, I’m thumbing through a catalogue by Dr. Schulze, and despite his YELLING AT ME IN PRINT, or maybe because of it, I decide to take a serious look at a product he calls SuperFood. SuperFood is made up of every vitamin, mineral, and super power a growing man needs. Why, with SuperFood, I was convinced I could take one pill a day, without changing my usual diet of doughnuts, Almond M&Ms, and hamburgers…and be the absolute picture of health. No need to be bogged down with fruits, vegetables, or produce of any kind. Got ‘em all packed into this magnificent little SuperFood pill. I can just dedicate those calories to more delicious intake.

So I called to order SuperFood. And when I called, I got completely suckered into ordering SuperFood in bulk. So a few minutes later, I am into SuperFood just over $100.

“Well,” I tell myself, “isn’t your health worth $100?” And I console myself by imagining the things I’ll be able to do with my newfound strength and vitality that will come from something so wonderful that it says right in the product how super it is.

And then SuperFood arrives. And surprise! It’s not in a pill. It comes in raw powder / grain / grass / stuff. You scoop it into a beverage of your choice, and chug it. I’m already not as thrilled. This looks like a lot more work. I scooped some into some orange juice, mixed it around, looked at it (my first mistake) and threw it down my throat (my second mistake).

Imagine a meadow, somewhere. It’s rained for days, and that meadow is now a swamp. Now visualize, if you will, a heard of buffalo. They have rolled and stepped all over the meadowy, swampy area, infesting it with years of filth that has been in their hair. And now picture one of these buffalo eating some of the filthy, swampy grass, chewing it for hours, digesting it for days, and then dumping it where it sleeps. Now envision Dr. Schulze stumbling upon this heap, combing it with one-part dirt and two-part dried-out sin, and bottling it as SuperFood. I just bought $100 of that stuff.

And I assure you – I am going to take every last grain of it. I paid for it, and I am too stubborn to just throw good money away. EVEN IF IT MEANS I AM JUST CRAZY ENOUGH to consume the nastiest tasting stuff I’ve ever held in my possession.

Highly Defective

I recently attended a luncheon/convention (lunchvention?) where the internationally celebrated and unreservedly bald Stephen R. Covey spoke. You may recognize him from such acclaimed work as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and How to Roll Around in a Wet Pile of Your Own Money.

The reason for his recent tour is to promote his new book, The 8th Habit. I haven’t read it yet, but there is something very Disney-esque about it. If there were 8 habits of highly effective people, shouldn’t that 8th habit have been included in the first book? It’s like when you buy Cinderella on DVD, and then a few months later – Oh, didn’t we tell you? Now there’s Super Deluxe Chrome Plated Forever Enchanted Cinderella. And it comes with a real pumpkin that turns into a real carriage for riding to the royal ball!

In any case, Mr. Covey is regarded as one of the most brilliant minds in leadership authority, organizational consulting, family unity, and using money for kindling. The man is universally respected, unanimously adored, and abundantly revered. When he speaks, people listen.

I’ve actually had the opportunity to attend quite a few luncheons lately, with speakers who are considered the authority in their field, ranging from topics such as the Middle East to finance to land development to embezzlement. (Yes, he served time, and yes, he now works for the government.) And after sitting through a few of these, I began to wonder what it would be like to be sought after like these folks. To be considered the very last word on a subject.

Feeling derisory and somewhat inept, I tried to fathom a subject where people might consider me the quintessential expert. “Oh,” someone would say whilst munching on a Reuben at the country club, “you want to know everything there is to know about (X)? You’ve got to hear Ken Craig’s take on that. Insightful, witty, brilliant. The man knows more about (X) than anybody.”

This is all I could come up with:

The Subtleties of Flirting. (This is a stretch, as I am way, way out of practice. Unless you count my feeble attempts at wooing Katie by pinching her bum and changing song lyrics to make them “suggestive.”)

B-List Actors from the 80s. (I know ‘em all. This includes Lisa Welchel as Blair from Facts of Life, and Marc Price as Family Ties’ Skippy.)

Staying Awake on Road Trips (See previous posts.)

Making it Look Like You Are Shuffling Through the Pantry to Make Dinner When You Are, In Fact, Stealthily Eating Oreos Right in Front of Your Unsuspecting Kids.

Using Your DVR to Watch 1 Hour TV Episodes in 20 Minutes or Less. (Provided you are interested solely in plot – not commercials, not character development, not embarrassingly bad dialogue. And certainly not Wayne Newton dancing.)

That’s about all I could come up with. No highly effective habits, no groundbreaking insight into world peace, no detailed explanations of how Las Vegas is going to run out of water long before it runs out of liquor. But there is a book I’m thinking of writing that Mr. Covey will never write. I call it 7 Moderately Effective Ways to Flirt with Your Wife. Chapter 1: U Can Touch This: The Use of Alternate Song Lyrics.